You're My New Mommy?
by greysfanhp
Summary: My version of the Cullen's on Wife Swap. Lot's of jokes and pranks, awkward moments and tears. Will the families learn from each other? Maybe. Will Alice stop being a compulsive shopper? Definitely not. No Jacob or Nessie.
1. Enterlude I

**Hey, I know this plot has been done again, and again, and again but I've been wanting to do this for a long while. I hope you enjoy this. Btw, the story is going to be in the Cullen's different POV. Tell me if you like it and if should continue it. **

Prologue 

_Every week from across America two families are chosen. This week the Johnson family from Ohio. Religious and conservative family devote their entire lives to their family. Teacher at the local school, professor Anthony spends his day teaching at a high school while Mom stays and takes care of the children. The Johnsons make their children do chores for their pocket money, to teach them the value of a dollar. _

_And the Cullen's from Washington. With six children Esme has a lot on her hands while Carlisle is a full time doctor who spends more time at the hospital than at home. Esme and Carlisle let their children spend thousands of dollars on a weekly basis. One of their daughters is a shopaholic who doesn't allow anybody in the house to re-use their clothes twice, and picks out everybody's expensive designer clothes. In this liberal family, Esme and Carlisle allow their adopted children to date within. The only requirement for them to do whatever they please, is that they have to maintain a perfect 4.0 average. _

_Each wife is about to receive a new husband, new children, and a new life._

_***_

_In Washington, Esme Cullen devotes all day to her house, either re-decorating, designing, cleaning or studying. _

"I love this room." Esme say's while stepping back to observe her work. It was Rosalie and Emmett's room. And she finished giving it a new elegant twist.

_Esme rises at 4 a.m. to get the kids up and going for school. _

"Jasper, Alice, Bella, Edward, Rosalie, Emmett. Time to get up!" She yells and bangs on each of the doors. Immediately nearly everybody comes out.

"We love our children and we spoil them. A lot." Carlisle says while laughing. Esme smiles widely.

"Carlisle and I met in University. He was studying medicine and I interior designing. He loves his work, he loves saving peoples lives and I fully support him if he has to come late at night to do so."

"Our greatest happiness does not depend on the condition of life in which chance has placed us, but is always the result of a good conscience, good health, occupation, and freedom in all just pursuits. Our success in life is fruit of our labour." Carlisle says as he walks around the hospital halls.

"My day is go, go, go, all the time. I have to do something. If I'm not doing something to the house I'm reading a book. If I'm not reading a book I'm learning a knew language."

_One of the Cullen's many hobbies are cars. _

"Everybody in the house LOVES cars." Carlisle says in the garage with Esme in his arms. The camera zooms around showing the at least twenty cars.

"Our children love changing all the parts to make them more powerful. It's a good hobby, keeps them entertained." Esme says.

"We basically let them do what they want. As long as they don't burn the house down everything is ok. Some say our kids have problems when it comes to spending money, but we don't really care about that. As long as they don't max out eight of the ten credit cards we give them they can spend all they want. The only thing we don't tolerate in this house is disrespect for culture. All our children know at least five languages without counting the mandatory Latin and ancient Greek. Our library is our pride. It's got well over ten thousand books. It's been handed down through generation and generation." Carlisle says with a proud smile sitting in his leather chair with Esme on his laps.

"Carlisle is the leader of this family. When ever anybody has a problem they go to him. We're very tight knit. It's incredibly hard to keep secrets in this house, they usually don't last more than a couple of day's." Esme says while she wraps her arms around his neck and he kiss's her cheek.

_When he's not at the hospital, Carlisle studies in his library for hours on end. But Esme is about to abandon the hectic lifestyle and her lifestyle to change lives with a woman she's never met a thousand miles away. _


	2. All the Pretty Faces

**Heyo, thx for all the awesome reviews, keep 'em coming!! XD Jaja. If you want to see the inspiration for Rosalie and Emmett's room you can go to my profile page and I have the link there. **

**I've always been curious as to what they put on the manuals so I wrote what I think they put in. And yes, the descriptions of the Cullen's are the same as in the book; I just changed it a little to my convenience. Why mess with perfection? **

All the Pretty Faces

_Irene POV_

"Do these people live in the middle of the woods in a log cabin?" I asked the camera sceptically while the car jumped up and down the dirt road. The limo turned around sharply and I found myself staring baffled at the building in front of me.

"Defiantly _not_ a log cabin." I told the camera. I walked as slowly as I could to the porch just to get a good look at the house. How much money did these people have? Were they aware of the existence of charities? Probably not.

It was big, with glass windows so neutral and elegant at the same time. It was a four story building, modern yet the core of the house was classic and old. It was by far one of the most beautiful buildings I had ever seen, so in harmony with all the nature surrounding it.

I opened the front door and was greeted by a hypnotizing floral smell. I looked around and found myself in a comfortable and homely living room. The carpets were creamy white and all the furniture was artistically arranged. There was a painting on the wall. It was the most beautiful meadow I had ever seen, all the colours splashed harmoniously into each other. I ripped my eyes off the masterpiece and continued looking around.

There was a humongous plasma T.V., next to it was a wall to wall shelf covered in DVD's and every single game console on the planet.

"Not good." I stated. In my house my children weren't allowed to watch television, no exceptions. "Not good at all."

On the other side there was a large black piano, gracefully sitting in the corner, patiently waiting to be played. Guitars, violins and flutes surrounded it.

I continued my inspection and walked through the white hall. I opened the door and saw the kitchen. It was at least twice the size of mine, yet inexplicably it had the air of unused. I went over to the fridge and opened it. It was full with vegetables, fruit, milk, eggs; everything I could have imagined was stocked in this one block of metal. All, except meat.

"No meat?" I told the camera surprised. "How do they live with no meat?"

I shrugged it off and carried on to the second floor. There were only two doors here. I took the first on my left. It was a library, but not just any library. It was enormous.

"Somebody likes to read." I said in approval. A leather chair invited me to sit in it next to the fire. Maps cascaded and invaded the wooden floors; books of all sorts lay open around the chair. It was a beautiful sight, giving off the proud feeling of having united thousands of years of knowledge all in one place. Grudgingly I left the room for the one in front.

It was a study. With a big table in the middle covered in papers of all shapes and sizes. The two walls that weren't covered in old leather bound books had religious paintings. One wall had a big wooden cross. I smiled in content.

"Finally, something we can agree on."

I kept on walking up the stairway, all along the way I found old relics like baseball bats, signed t-shirts by sport legends that one alone probably cost more than my husband's annual income. I went in the first room I saw.

It was spacious but the only source of light came from outside. Were was the switch? Bob, the camera man clapped his hand and the room immediately illuminated allowing me to see room. The wood planks were a soothing honey brown colour. The wall opposite the enormous window overlooking the forest was filled with Cd's. I saw an old gramophone tucked in the corner and journals and books spilled all around the room. It was messy, a teenagers no doubt, yet it had the seriousness and maturity of someone much older. There was a door that led into another room I presumed. I opened it and immediately went in shock.

"Dear Lord!" I yelled. Bob jumped backwards when he heard my high-pitched scream. It was indeed another room but filled with clothes. Only the floor was visible between the ocean items. I left that room quickly not daring to look back. I stepped inside the room opposite.

I clapped my hands and the lights turned on. To say it was elegant was an understatement. The bed had embroidered ruby red satin covers with fluffy feather pillows. The wooden floor was dark cheery red and the walls a sombre peach. There were mirrors nearly everywhere I loooked. It was wide room, yet somehow it had a childish touch. There were piles of board games stacked visibly in the corner and footballs, bats and rackets were scattered on the floor, the big plasma TV on the wall across the bed had one to many game consoles under it.

This one too had another door, morbid curiosity prodded me to venture. I opened it. This 'closet' was a lot bigger than the last. But thankfully I was prepared. I would have fainted if it had been the first I entered, but that didn't stop my heart fluttering.

"I wonder if they know what the word moderation means?" I asked the camera man. I shacked my head and went into the next room. This one was a staircase that led upwards; I guessed the attic as I opened the latch door on top of me.

It turned out to be a room, and by far my favourite. Three of the four walls were just windows, allowing me a monumental sight of the whole forest like an observatory. No wonder they lived here, the view was breathtaking. The floor was silver and the moment I stepped in a feeling of serenity and calm flooded in me.

"Wow." Was all I managed to say.

The white bed was simple in design and added to the peace. The floor was also scattered and messy with books and games, but I couldn't find it in me to say anything was out of place. On the contrary, it made it looked better; a passionate clash between shameless euphoric chaos and wise tranquilizing infinity. Under the dome ceiling a white couch sat. On it a tattered book lay open. I went over to it and saw the title: 'Man's Search for Meaning.'

I closed the book using a paper I found as a bookmark. I turned around and saw the white wall had a door. Again the morbid curiosity made me open it. This one was the same size of the room I had just exited, or maybe even a bit bigger. This room was far more classic. It was wine red, with dark wood planks. This one had no windows to my dismay. It had an ancient looking Grecian couch and a folding screen. But what took my breath away were _all _the clothes. There was so much it should have been a sin.

"These people defiantly do _not_ know what moderation means." _They're going to go to hell for this. _I thought quietly to myself.

But at least there was some order here. The narrow room was perfectly arranged, not one of the hundreds of items was out of place. I gasped, again. The extravagance these people lived in was mind blowing. I regained my breath and left. I left through the latch door.

"Irene," the camera man called me. "You missed two rooms."

He guided me back into the majestic library and tucked away secretly was a small door I had missed out earlier. I went inside, clapped my hands and some why a smile painted my face. If I thought I liked the attic room it was nothing compared to this. Again I was dumbstruck.

The room spelled love.

Like all the other rooms the floors were wooden. But to the contrary, this room was small and simple, classic and old. Designed for nothing else more than mutual refuge. Inside, I felt safe, like if the problems of the world just disappeared for no good reason. I inhaled and I could distinguish the unique aroma of leather and tulips. It was sweet and comforting.

"To whom this room belongs to is one lucky person." I stated

I went back downstairs to were Bob had indicated the last room was. It was the garage. My mouth dropped open.

"These people are _defiantly _going to hell." I told the camera with my eyes bulging open. I went back to the kitchen were I large circular table with eight chairs waited for me. On it was the manual. I sat down and started reading:

_Morning Routine_

_I wake up every morning at 4:00 a.m. The kids school is far away and they take a long time to get ready..._

"Four a.m.? And I thought I got up early." I said and continued reading. 

_Alice usually always picks out my outfit for the day the night before, so what I'm going to wear never troubles my mind. There are two bathrooms in the house; one for the boys and one for the girls. Rosalie has been known to spend more than two hours in there, and when that happens Bella and Alice usually get one of the boys to knock the door down. Hence the waking them up at 4:00 a.m. They normally take the Volvo, but every once in a while Emmett or Alice get bored and want to take the Jeep, the Porsche or the Ferrari. This usually creates another fight. Rosalie will want to take the BMW and Jasper will want to take the Maserati. Carlisle always breaks the fight up and makes them take the Volvo… _

"Wait." I said stopping. "I went in four rooms. And yet there are six kids. That doesn't add up."

…_When they leave at 5:30 a.m. I have all day with my husband; he has a later shift and the night shift, so we take advantage of that. _

_Daily Routine_

_In the morning with Carlisle we sit in his library relaxing. We either read together or he teaches me something like a new language or something of the sort. Those are probably my favourite parts of the day, he's such a good teacher._

_When he leaves I start to clean the house. It's not much seeing as I don't have to do the kids room. _

"Wait." I stopped reading. "She cleans the whole house by herself? This place is humongous with or without their rooms."

_When I'm done with that I relax in the library waiting for everybody to come back. Nobody eats together so everybody has to do their own dishes. When they finish their homework everybody comes downstairs for family time; which mainly consists of them doing video game competitions while Edward plays the piano. Carlisle comes back home at around 12:00 p.m., normally all the kids wait up for him. So, do I. _

"These people have no parenting skills whatsoever."

_This is the very basic routine. Living in a house with six teenagers is a real challenge and is incredibly unpredictable. One day they can be best friends doing slumber parties in their rooms and the next day they won't even look at each other, claiming they shall never in the rest of eternity speak to each other again. _

_Basic House Rules_

_There are very few rules in my house; I consider my children mature enough no to do things incredibly stupid. My and Carlisle's room is about of bounds for Emmett; it would be like letting a bull loose in a Chinese porcelain shop. He's a nice boy, but sometimes he just doesn't realise how big he is._

_Another thing that's important to know, is don't let the kids play 'Truth or Dare' without Carlisle supervising them. They've burned houses in the past because of stupid bet's like making Alice set half her closet on fire. _

"They've set houses on fire?!" I asked incredulously. My children never in a thousand years would dare do anything of the sort. "They really do sound like spoiled brats."

_Cussing isn't allowed in the house though Emmett and Rosalie usually ignore this rule shamelessly, they can swear like sailors in high sea. _

_Another rule my husband strictly enforces is that nobody is allowed to touch his Mercedes without his permission or if it's Rosalie and she wants to tune it. _

_About the children_

_I've got six children and they're all adopted. Alice and Bella are sisters, Rosalie and Jasper are twins. Edward was the first we adopted; he can be a bit… intuitive. He can read anybody like an open book. Rosalie and Jasper were next. Rosalie is very vain and some say she's got an attitude; but once you get to know her you'll realize the wonderful person she is. Jasper can appear as cold at first but he's simply an introvert. Alice, Alice, Alice. What can I say of my dear daughter? Well, first of all she's a shopaholic and a complete and utter fashionista. Nearly all the shop owners know her and somehow she managed to get the front door keys to all major stores in Milan, London, Paris and New York. She is one the kindest most considerate people you will ever meet but the one thing she does not tolerate is people badly dressed. So, beware; she looks small but she can be very ferocious._

_Emmett looks big and scary, but don't be fooled; he's as harmless as a kitten. And that just leaves Bella. Bella is probably the most sensitive of the lot. She's the one that can usually dissuade everybody from a really wild plan. _

"Wait, what about the bedrooms?" I asked turning the page.

_As our children aren't actually related we let them date within._

"What?!"

_The pairs are as following: Jasper and Alice. Bella and Edward. Rosalie and Emmett._

This was going to be one hell of a ride.

"There back." Bob called me. I tucked the manual in my bag and went back to the living room. If one thing I can say about myself it's that I don't ever swear, no matter the circumstance; but this…

"Holy crap." I said under my breath.

They didn't look anything alike. Of the three boys, one was big – muscled like a serious weight lifter, with dark, curly hair. I took a wild guess and labelled him 'Emmett'. Another was taller, leaner, but still muscular, and honey blond. The way he stood behind everybody made me assume he was the introvert. The last was lanky, less bulky, with untidy, bronze-coloured hair. His stare made me feel like he could see the very bottom of my soul.

The girls were opposites. The tall one was statuesque. She had a beautiful figure, the kind you saw in the profane media like magazines and TV, the kind that made every woman in the room take a hit oh her self-esteem. Her hair was golden, gently waving to the middle of her back. She was the most beautiful creature my eyes had ever beheld. The short girl was pixielike, thin in the extreme, with small features. Her hair was deep jet black, cropped short and pointing in every direction. And the third had dark, heavy hair. Her skin looked smooth and strong, she was fluid even in stillness. All of them were.

And yet they were exactly alike. Every one of them was chalky pale. They also had strange honey-gold eyes despite the range of hair tones. They also had dark circles under those eyes – purplish, bruiselike shadows; probably consequence of staying up waiting for their father.

I stared at their faces, so different, so similar, were all devastatingly, inhumanly beautiful. All perfect carvings of gods. They were faces that you never expected to see except painted by an old master as the faces of an angel.

I observed their clothing. All tailored to perfection, to fit them and only them. All the boy's were wearing waistcoats, and the girls skinny jeans.

"Sorry, I'm late." A perfect voice said rushing in.

My mouth fell open. He was young, he was blond… and he was handsomer than any movie star I had ever seen. He was pale, though, and tired-looking, with circles under his eyes.

"Children don't be rued. Introduce yourselves." He said in a reprimanding voice as soft as saturn.

**So, love it? Hate it? Got any ideas? Want to cheer me up XD? Want to have somebody's POV in particular? Tell me. I want to know. Seriously. Oh, and by the way, CARLISLE ROCKS!!! Sorry, had to get that out. **


	3. Louis Vuitton Imitation Of Christ

**Heyo, as always thx for the reviews, they really made my day (I've got the flu or something, I need Carlisle ASAP, lol). Moranizer, I too am drooling shamelessly on my keyboard for that guy. I also want to say sorry for putting "rued" at the end instead of "rude". I had a momentary lapse of madness and was sitting in front of my lap writing the word over and over again because I couldn't find the right way to spell it, in the end I got too frustrated and picked the first that came in the spelling thingie. Lol. Thx to everybody who told me what POV they wanted, I'll take it into account and try and out it in when I can. I'm going to save Rosalie's POV so I can really enjoy her sarcasm and outright meanness, lol. **

**I want to ask all you guys a question. My English teacher, says frowning is the same thing as raising an eyebrow. I say the contrary. So, if you could help me with the dispute I would be very thankful. **

**Now, enough of my rambling and on with the story!**

Louis Vuitton – Imitation of Christ 

_Alice POV_

"Isabella Cullen! You will were this blouse NOW!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

"No!" Bella retaliated with just as much force.

I glared at her. Why didn't she want to wear it? It was perfect for her, like if de la Renta had been thinking of her when he had designed it. I narrowed my stare.

"But I don't want to." Bella whined with the same voice reserved for five year olds. I scoffed, hadn't she learned it was just easier to surrender to me? I had never lost an argument to her, and I wasn't about to start now.

"Just wear the stupid shirt." Rosalie hissed at her a bit too harshly as she got off the chair she was sitting on and made her way to the stairs. More anger bubbled in me.

"It's a BLOUSE!" Was it really that hard to say blouse? No. Couldn't people see the vast difference between a shirt and a blouse? Shirt, blouse. Shirt, blouse. There was nothing alike between the two. A blouse is a nice comfortable flowy shirt that is more fancy and if used rightly more beautiful than a shirt. Now a shirt can be a t-shirt or just a regular cute top that fits tighter than a blouse for starters. BIG difference! I stressed in my brain. I noticed the camera filming my exasperated expression.

"I'm on your side, Alice. Remember?" Rosalie told me in an arrogant tone. I stuck my tongue out at her. She ignored me and carried on.

"Ok, Bella." I started rubbing my head. "Give me five good reason's why you shouldn't wear the vintage _blouse_." I stressed the last word as hard as I could.

"Oh fine." She retorted snatching the _blouse_ from my hand. I grinned happily, finally.

I heard South Park start and I made my way to the stairs. Bella caught up with me, looking if I may say so, gorgeous with the outfit I picked out for her.

"It wasn't that hard, now was it?" I asked her playfully as my smiled widened and she frowned.

We sat down next to Rosalie and I tried to tune down the snoring coming from Irene's room unsuccessfully.

Ten minutes into the show and I heard her waking up to the alarm clock and groaning loudly.

"Someone likes waking up early." Rosalie said, the sarcasm dripping in her voice. The camera zoomed into her. "She won't last two days here."

"Rosalie, stop." Carlisle ordered her and his compassionate eyes zoomed into hers and immediately her expression softened.

"Sorry dad." She said simply.

I heard her uneven steps coming slowly and awkwardly coming down the stairs. I turned around and stared in utter disbelief, I had defiantly not seen this comeing. What in the name of hell was she wearing? I felt as if my eyes were going to start burning any moment. Rosalie stared at me with the same expression. Bella was also gawking; after living a few years with me she had come to develop some sense of fashion, though she still had a long way to go. Edward hissed at me quietly. I couldn't pay an ounce of attention to him. I was still in a shocked trance.

"Good morning, everybody." She said apparently oblivious to the wide eyed stares she was receiving, even from Jasper.

She wore a man's white worn out shirt that faintly read the words 'Athens Olympics', some over sized jeans and some sneakers. Her hair was tied in a sloppy knot and she wore no make-up.

I couldn't take it any longer; if I'd been human I would have been sick.

"What in the name of all that is holy are you wearing, woman?!" I yelled at her.

"Er…" She started, finally realizing we were all gaping at her. "A shirt, some jeans and sneakers."

"And do you realize you look like an ugly dying whale?" I asked getting up.

"Amen." Rosalie said loudly enough for everybody to hear her.

"Alice…" Carlisle started but I cut across him before he could even start.

"Oh hush Carlisle. You know better than anybody that what I'm saying is true. As for you..." I said turning around to look at Irene. "We're going shopping today. No excuses."

"Alice, why don't we go now?" Rosalie said. "Schools boring and this... well, let's just put as urgent."

"Good idea, Rose. The sooner the better; it's about time to put those clothes out of their misery."

***

"Miss Cullen." Amanda, the manager, came scurrying to us when she saw us. "What can Prada do for you today?"

I turned around to look at Irene and she followed my gaze. I heard a sharp intake of breath. "Damn, that's ugly." Amanda said under her breath. I agreed with her whole heartedly, her outfit was worse than I ever imagined anything could be. Who in their right minds would wear that? I shuddered.

"So, where's Miss Bella, today?" She asked as she turned around and guided us through the shop.

"Probably ransacking the Converse shop." Rosalie said absent-mindedly as she looked at a bag.

"Irene." I called her. She wiped her head around. "I think you'd look good in this." I handed her a coat and she immediately looked at the price.

"Three thousand dollars?" She practically yelled.

"Good God woman!" Rosalie shouted at her in anger. "What _is_ your problem? Have you even seen it? It's worth every penny and more."

"Why would you pay so much for a coat?" Irene asked with her eyes bulging open and a faint voice, oblivious to Rosalie's last statement.

"Fashion and style." I answered simply and carried on looking at the shoes.

"Amanda." I called out. She came hurrying by my side; we were priority clients. "Do you have these in a lighter brown?"

"No, but Miuccia won't mind to get someone to make them for you."

"I don't see what's so special about those shoes." Irene said. I stopped breathing as I turned around to look at her in complete disbelief. These shoes were _perfect_ in the full sense of the word; they were glorious.

"Trust me, fashion and style is not worth five thousand dollars a shoe."

I sighed and rubbed my head, she was asking for this. She had crossed my tolerance limit; she had practically insulted everything I stood for.

"What you don't understand is that fashions may fade, but style is eternal. Fashion not only exists in dresses, it lives in the sky, the street, it has to do with ideas; and most importantly, with the way we live." I said slowly and threateningly.

"Okay, I get you like fashion. No need to go overboard with it and spend so much money on something so impractical and could get in a second-hand shop. This is criminal."

"Irene, let me tell you something. I don't do fashion, I am fashion."

_Rosalie POV_

Three hours and forty bags later we found ourselves waiting for Irene to finish her meal. All the while we'd been shopping her face had gotten whiter and whiter with every price tag she saw. I remembered with a certain glee her facial expression when we payed. She had asked for it, saying the things she said in Alice's presence, it had only fuelled her to buy even _more _things than she normally would have.

"_Okay, I think we've got all we need." Alice said as she skipped to the counter to pay. I followed her, happy because of the dress I got. It was black and tight, in other words it made me look even more beautiful if possible._

"_It will be $157,000." The plain woman in the counter said calmly even though her heart said otherwise. I turned around to look at Irene, she looked like she would faint any moment now. I laughed, her expression was priceless. It was a weird mixture of surprise, disgust, and disbelief; but mostly disgust. _

"_I think we should leave a few things behind." She said faintly. Alice turned around to look at her with a smile plastered on her pixielike face._

"_Oh no, Irene. Everything we got is absolutely essential." And she handed the woman __her black credit card._

"_They're going to hell for this." She muttered under her breath. I couldn't help but burst out laughing, if only she knew. Alice muffled a giggle._

I smiled as I remembered and I tapped impatiently my heals as the painfully slow and prune human ate her, if I may say so, disgusting, food.

"I was thinking." Alice said with a smile I knew all too well. "We could go to Victoria's Secret next, then afterwards we could look around Chanel." I heard Bella groan.

"There's a book shop here." Alice said lightly.

"Cool." Bella said getting up looking for the shop.

"Girls, I think we've had enough shopping for one decade." Irene said said reproachingly. I rolled my eyes, she was really getting on my nerve. Alice looked at her with a heart breaking expression, and puppy dog eyes. I wasn't in the mood for begging.

"Our week, our rules." I reminded her. She huffed but gave in.

"Fine."

**

We zoomed in my M3 back home. The expressions everybody held were varied; Bella was concentrated, reading "Mort". Alice of course, gleeful. And Irene, well Irene was about to be sick any moment, though she better not be in my car. I'd kill her myself.

We reached home and I got out the car, Irene's smell was nauseating.

"Emmett!" I called out. He bounded out and hugged me tightly, giving me a passionate kiss. Passion filled my eyes like fire and I could feel the lust radiating off him. "Can you get the bags out the car?" I whispered sensually in his ear. Emmett groaned lightly. "Pleeasee, baby." I whined, curling my leg around his waist.

"Oh dammit, fine!" He whined and went to retrieve our shopping. I laughed and walked inside.

_Alice POV_

I laughed, Emmett was so easily seduced. I went inside when a vision hit me.

_Irene gathers us in the living room with Carlisle. _

"_Carlisle," she starts. "I think your children spend way too much money."_

"_Nonsense." Carlisle says chuckling._

"_Please, do not interrupt me." She says angrily._

"_I apologize. I just don't see the problem."_

"_You really don't see the problem with sixteen year olds spending over two hundred thousand dollars on a shopping trip. Seriously? How deranged do you have to be to not see a problem with that?" _

"_Hey lady, I'm eighteen." Rosalie says, starting to loose her temper._

I laughed quietly. This was going to be fun.

I went upstairs into my room to see that Emmett had kindly left my bags outside my door.

"Thanks Em." I said and I heard a moan from his room. I shuddered, couldn't they keep it a bit lower? I ignored them the best I could and went into my 'closet'. I got my iPod out and connected it to my speakers. I clicked play on the first song that came up, "Human" by The Killers, and turned the song on as high as the speakers would go up to as the noises from downstairs got louder and louder. I engrossed myself with the task ahead of me. Organize the new clothes I got and throw out the ones I wouldn't use any more. I sang along.

"I did my best to notice..."

I heard knocking on my door. Oh goodie, reunion time.

"Come in." I said kindly. Irene walked in scowling looking around the room. I sighed, I liked clothes, so what?

"Your fathers back and I'd like to talk with everyone."

It was my turn to scowl, she wasn't wearing the clothes I got her.

"Um..." I started as she looked up at me. "What are you wearing?"

"It's of that precise subject I want to talk to about."

"Fine. I'll go." I said as I turned the music off and left her standing in my 'closet'.

I reached the living room and found a scowling Rosalie, and bored Bella.

"Where are the boy's?" I asked them.

"Hiding in the garage." Rosalie answered. I laughed, this was going to be fun. Irene still got lost in our house.

"Jasper, Emmett, Edward? Where are you?" She asked upstairs. We all laughed. She came galloping down the stairs.

"Have any of you seen the boys?" She asked us.

"I don't know." Rosalie said innocently. "Last time I saw them they were saying something about a highway, a rematch and the keys to the Porsche and Maserati. Why?"

"They're street racing?" She asked faintly. "Are they aware it's illegal?" She was now clutching her heart while it raced a hundred miles per hour. "I have to call the police, this is outrageous." Before she could reach the phone Carlisle walked in the door. It was already twelve o'clock? I must of spent a lot of time organizing my shoes.

"Carlisle, the boy's they're street racing. They're going to get killed. What do we do?"

Just then Emmett came bounding through the door howling with laughter.

"Oh. My. God." He said between breaths. I could help but giggle myself, she overreacted a little too much. "I cannot believe you fell for _that_."

Carlisle crossed his arms and looked at us reproachingly. "What's going on here? Why is Irene under the impression you're street racing." He asked sternly.

"Because she's just too easy to fool." Jasper said in a southern drawl.

"Now kids, apologize to Irene." Irene looked dumbstruck, like if she hadn't really understood what just happened.

Carlisle had never actually done any parenting, it was understandable why he was so bad at it.

"So, Irene, I gather you wanted to talk about something." He said kindly. Irene still confused carried on like nothing happened.

"Carlisle," she started. "I think your children spend way too much money."

"Nonsense." Carlisle said chuckling.

"Please, do not interrupt me." She answered angrily.

"I apologize. I just don't see the problem."

"You really don't see the problem with sixteen year olds spending over two hundred thousand dollars on a shopping trip. Seriously? How deranged do you have to be to not see a problem with that?"

"Hey lady, I'm eighteen." Rosalie snapped back, starting to loose her temper.

The anger boiled in both of them, I didn't need Jaspers gift to tell that. As on cue he came next to me and wrapped his shoulders protectively around me. I leaned on him as Emmett leaved the room for the kitchen? This action changed the whole course of future, forever.

He came back holding a golden box. Louis Vuitton. I recognised it immediately. There were leather boots in that box, I could smell it from across the damn room. If my heart were still beating, it would have stopped. I loved nothing like I loved Louis Vuittons. I ached to tuck them into my chest and runaway somewhere were I could be alone to worship the footwear.

"More clothes?!" Irene asked in disbelief and snatched the box from Emmett's hand. If I had ever had doubts to whether I had a soul or not, they were cleared up in that instant, because a small part of it died when she threw the box into the fire. I was about to throw myself onto her and rip her head off but Carlisle restrained me. I turned to look at Rose. She looked like if she were about to start crying any moment now, Emmett was holding her up. Carlisle released me from his iron grip and I fell to the floor crying hysterically as if the end of the world had come, and it had.

I looked up at her between sobs.

"You're going to hell for this woman."

**So, I ****hoped you liked it. My grades just went to the gutter and my parents will probably ground me and ban me from writing. So my updates are going to take a bit longer, but if you review you might inspire me to stay awake until my parents go to sleep and I sneak over to my lap and write at one o'clock in the morning. I'm just saying... lol. **

**Wish me luck with my parents reaction!**


	4. Sick and Wrong

**Hey y'all (I'm not sure if you spell it that way?) I am ecstatic at the review response! Thank you so much! Also to those who favourite and alerted me or the story, it means a lot.**

**I had a small writers block on what to do next, but… thx to a friend and both our madness combined I thought of a not so OOC thing to do next, as always I'm too biased to say that XD If anybody has an idea, advice, on pranks or just to improve the story, I'd love to know. But anyways… thx Gise (or Nessie as she would prefer)!!! The sex-Ed joke comes from a another story called "Cullenary Education" it's on another site but you can download it from itunes as a podcast called "iFic".**

**This chapter is more of a T, or using movie rating in Mexico B-15, lol, because of a bit of swearing and so. Now, enough of my rambling and on with the story!!!**

Sick and Wrong

_Carlisle POV_

After living a couple of decades with each other we all had learned what to do to infuriate, comfort, seriously annoy, depress, and entertain somebody, and especially, we all new what to do to get your head ripped off and not be allowed to reattach it until after a couple of hours of torture. And Irene, well frankly I was scared for her. She had done what nobody before had ever dared to do, not even Emmett. She had thrown a one of a kind pair of designer leather boots into the fire. Alice, was calmly sitting in the living room playing the newest version of Grand Theft Auto, killing every moving thing that got in the way of her and her bazooka.

What scared me the most was the fact we hadn't had to restrain her to stop killing for Irene. Considering the fact they had been Louis Vuitton, I had half expected her too burn all of Irene's clothes by now and dance around the fire like an Indian ritual, with everything and the drums. She was taking it all too well.

The camera man, Bob, I think, was filming Alice's every move. Probably knowing Alice wouldn't be able to stand the pressure for too long.

And he was right. Alice threw the remote at the T.V. when all the cops finally got her.

"This game is so stupid!" She huffed angrily, and before Emmett could stop her she grabbed the PS3 and threw it out the window. That didn't stop Emmett from launching himself across the living room. I ran at him at the fastest speed I could.

"Son, are you alright?" I asked him softly. Emmett looked at me as if I were mad then he looked at the camera and comprehension filled his face.

"Oh… right."

Sometimes his lying reminded me of Bella when she was still human.

"What happened? It sounded like somebody broke in, then an earthquake…" Irene ranted on as she came hurrying down the stairs. She stopped mid sentence looking around at the mess in the living room. "What happened in here?" She asked slowly.

"Just a small accident." I answered smoothly. Alice glared at her but when Irene turned to look at her; she smiled in a way I knew only too well… innocently.

"Edward, Jasper." I called out softly, aware the camera was filming everything we did. "Can you come and help me get Emmett into my office to see if he broke something."

"Are you alright?" Irene asked next to me. I hadn't noticed she was next to me. "Does it hurt a lot?" She asked kindly and rubbed Emmett's back, after flinching a couple of times. Jasper and Edward laughed mockingly at him and before I could stop him he mindlessly threw an antique vase at both of them.

"Emmett!" Irene yelled angrily at him. I heard the camera zoom into Emmett's face. Great. His face showed no remorse.

"Dear Lord, brother, you could have killed me!" Edward said in a 'shocked' voice. I felt Emmett suppress a growl.

"Come on guys, help me get him up." We easily lifted him up and took him to my office. When we were alone and out of ear-shot I turned to look at them sternly.

"What were you thinking Emmett? Throwing yourself like an American football all-star?"

"I don't think that's how you say it." Jasper said thoughtfully.

"Never mind. Edward, what's Alice up to?" I asked panicked, I felt a wave of calm flow through me.

"I… don't know." He stopped to listen. "She's currently singing 'Ignorance' at the top of her mental voice."

"Not good, not good." I muttered, remembering the past times she had been singing this song. For a moment I lost myself in my memories.

"_Ignorance is your NEW BEST __**FRIEND!!!**__" Alice screamed at the top of her lungs, a couple of octaves too high. I ran inside Emmett's room and found all his memory discs broken, better said, pulverised on the floor. Alice had already left the crime scene. _

_I tracked her scent into the garage. She was changing a part in her Porsche. _

"_Alice…?" I asked tentatively. "What happened with Emmett?" She laughed her tinkling laughed and skipped over to me and pecked me on the check._

"_Nothing interesting, Dad. Just payback." She laughed again and ran up to her room._

"Irene and Bob are coming back up, what do we tell them?" Edward asked suddenly, snapping me back to reality.

"Emmett, take your shirt off." I ordered quickly as I grabbed my stethoscope. Somebody knocked on the door. "Come in."

The door slowly turned open and Irene walked in, she stopped for a moment taking in the sight of a semi-naked Emmett. I heard her heart start beating dangerously fast.

"Maybe you should put your shirt back on, Emmett." Edward said in a low voice. I turned to look at Jasper, his face concentrated on calming Irene down.

"What can we do for you, Irene." I asked politely. Maybe I shouldn't had said her name, because the moment I did her heart started rocketing off again. Jasper glared at me.

"Um… um…" She mumbled. The camera zoomed in on her. "Um… um…"

"Are you going to stand there all day gawking at my father _and _boyfriend, or are you actually going to say something?" Rosalie asked, the sarcasm dripping in her voice. Irene turned around to face her and all her beauty.

"Um… um…" Irene tried again.

"Ok, now that I see you're going to gawk I'll leave you to it." She turned to look at me. "Carlisle, you might want to get an MRI of her brain, I seriously think something's missing in there. Maybe you can start a new clinical trial…" She said in a serious voice. She lifted a perfect eyebrow at Emmett and he immediately smiled goofily at her, lust radiating from him.

"You looked better without the shirt." Rosalie said seductively. Emmett got up and picked Rosalie up carrying her bridal style, giving her a passionate kiss as they left.

"Eh… homework." Edward said leaving.

"Alice…" Jasper muttered.

Great, they were leaving me to deal with Irene all on my own. For some reason I felt unnaturally uncomfortable… maybe it was the camera. I turned to look at her. Her expression, not the one I had expected. I had thought, anger, shock, maybe even fury, not… the pale green my patients wore when they were about to throw up on me.

"Irene, is there something wrong?" I asked slowly reaching over her before she fell down.

"They're going to burn in hell for this…" She muttered frantically as I sat her down.

_Rosalie POV_

Emmett ran his hand through my head as he kissed me passionately and ran his other hand down my back. We had left a startled Irene with Carlisle, not really giving a crap.

"I… love you, more… than, anything." Emmett panted quietly as he threw us on the bed ripping my clothes off. He left a trail of kisses starting from my lower abdomen up until the base of my neck. I pulled his body closer to mine inhaling his sweet childish scent. I needed his touch as much as I needed the blood I drank.

We heard a strong, powerful knock on the door.

"What the…?" I muttered, not really paying attention.

"Forget about it." Emmett whispered hoarsely in my ear. I complied; moaning softly as he slowly slid his hands down my thighs.

**Knock, knock! **

"What?!" I snapped at the door. I heard the air moving as the door opened and Emmett and I quickly hid under the satin covers. Alice's tiny figure walked in, hands on hips.

"What?!" I hissed at her again. She was interrupting Emmett/Rose time.

"God, Rosalie!" Edward groaned from downstairs.

"Grow-up, sex-Ed!" I yelled back, immediately silencing him. Jasper and Bella snickered downstairs.

"Enough!" Emmett said. "Alice, what in the name of all that is holy do you want?"

"Listen, you idiots!" I glared at her but focused my hearing never the less.

"Carlisle, your children are disrespectful! They have no manners!" Irene ranted. We had more manners than her, that's for sure. "How can you let them have those cars?! And spend so much money?! How do you want them to grow up and be responsible individuals in society?!"

"And what do you want us to do?!" I yelled at Alice, thankful Bob was upstairs. This was why she interrupted us? Seriously? Did she really think we gave a crap? Emmett, reading my thoughts threw a cushion at her, but Alice quickly dodged it.

"Well, first of all you could stop shagging like bunnies!" She yelled.

"What does that have to do with anything?!" I shouted with just as much force.

"Because, she's going to run into you doing the McNasty!"

"That's why we have you, to tell us! Why else is it good to have a psychic in the house?"

"That's what I'm doing right now!" Alice shrieked at me. I huffed; she had a point. "And any way, what do you think I am, $3.99 the minute?!"

"Turn around!" I ordered at her and I quickly put a silk robe on.

"Ready?" She asked sarcastically.

"Yes."

"Girls, girls, calm down!" Emmett said trying to stop what was a potential cat-fight. Not that he would mind, I was sure…

"Oh shut-up Emmett." Alice said, obviously irritated beyond belief.

"I don't want to shut-up." He whined.

"How dare you order my husband around?!" I said, my voice rising.

"I can do whatever the hell I want!" Alice screamed back. I felt a wave of calm flowing through me but I pushed it back, sending a wave of fury at Jasper. His face contorted.

"What are you girls, fighting about?!" He asked angrily, quickly loosing his temper.

"Don't get into this Jasper!" I warned.

"Now who's ordering who?!" Alice yelled back, the anger in Jasper's system fuelling everyone in the room.

"Why is everybody here?" Emmett said, having not finished his rant. I rolled my eyes and ignored him.

"What's going on here?! It's one o'clock in the damn morning, why aren't you all in bed?" Carlisle stern voice came from behind Jasper. Apparently his anger had affected the whole house.

"Why is everybody in our room?!" Emmett boomed again. We turned around to look at him, and saw he remained naked under the satin covers.

"Because it's one in the morning and I want to get some sleep!" Carlisle yelled back. This time we turned around to look at him? What the…? Then I noticed Bob filming us… oh. That explained a lot.

"Crap." Emmett whispered, voicing everyone's thoughts.

"Fine." Alice huffed and stormed out of the bewildered room. Astounded, Jasper walked behind her. Bob followed them both to Emmett's and my relief.

Carlisle shut the door and turned to look at us angrily with his arms folded.

"What did we do?" Emmett whined.

"Come on guys! She's going to be here for _two weeks_! _Two weeks_! She already thinks we're a bunch of perverts, why give her more reasons?"

He was getting on my nerve. I loved my man and I didn't care if that prude bitch approved or not.

"Do I have the face of a person who gives a crap? 'Cause I don't." I retorted and opened the door for Carlisle. He stepped out looking resigned to what I guessed was national humiliation.

_Alice POV_

"I'm going out!" I yelled to no one in particular as Bob walked behind me. Carlisle came hurrying downstairs looking like he just received a slap on the face.

"Were do you think you're going young lady?" He asked me patronizingly. I laughed, young? Yeah right.

"Out." I answered simply. I was still irritated from the less than warm gratitude I receive from Emmett and Rose, not to mention infuriated at the capital crime that _thing_ did to my Louise Vuitton. Jasper walked behind me sending cool waves of calm. I smiled warmly at him, letting him take the anger away.

Carlisle stopped me before I could get to the garage.

"Alice."

"Dad."

"I can't let you go out." He stated simply.

"Why not?" I followed his game.

"It's one in the morning."

"So?"

"It's a school night." He said patiently.

"So?" I asked again, glad for once patience was one of Carlisle's biggest virtues.

"You need to sleep eight hours."

I stifled a laugh.

"And your point is?"

"I want you in bed." He said, ever so politely. Carlisle had always been the perfect gentleman, even before the word took the meaning with which we know it today, and of course bringing the more docile said of my brothers.

"Hm." I said, pretending to think. "I see your point, and to say the truth, it doesn't really convince me." I said as I walked around him and walked into the garage. I grabbed Jasper's hand and we went into the Porsche. I heard Carlisle leave the room in defeat. Poor guy, he really needed his eight hours of sleep.

I laughed again. Tomorrow, well today, was going to be so much fun. I kissed the steering wheel before hitting the pedal. I zoomed out of the large garage and reached 100 mph in .6 seconds.

I let out another laugh as joys of rivers flooded in me. The air ran threw my hair as I turned to look at Jasper. He was smiling carefree, a rare treat a barely ever got to see.

"What are you planning?" He asked me warmly. My heart melted as an ocean of love was sent in my direction. I pointed at the sky and smiled even wider.

"I hope you don't mind me stating the obvious, but it's cloudy… just like always." He said, letting his southern accent flow freely through his tongue.

"There's going to be a storm, a really bad one, with a power outage." I laughed, and Jasper joined in. This was going to be fun, a lot of fun.

**Hey, so I hope you enjoyed this chapter! As always, a review would be nice, and I ask for forgiveness for any spelling or grammar errors. **


	5. Sick and Wrong II

**Thank you for the reviews, they were much appreciated. As always some input would be nice. But for now… let the games begin!**

**Oh sorry for having like uploaded this chapter like 3 times but something weird happened with the document and it repeated last chapter.**

Sick and Wrong II

_Alice POV_

We arrived to school three hours later. Jasper and I had found a nice spot to park my Porsche and have… a little break.

I hit the brake between Rosalie's BMW and Edward's Volvo. Just like I'd seen Rose was waiting for us. Edward had dragged Bella off, not being able to stand being around a horney Emmett _and_ Rose.

She smirked when we stepped out of the car. I looked down at my outfit. Last time I checked I had made a nice combination between classic European fashion and a more modern one. But then I noticed my blouse was the wrong way round and my hair messed up. I looked at Jasper, his shirt was crumpled.

"Some people were having a fun time…" Rosalie said innocently. I stuck my tongue out at her while Jasper wore a sheepish smile. Emmett scowled; obviously upset he hadn't been able to have his way with Rose like Jazz with me.

"I need Edward and Bella." I said loudly. They appeared next to me. "We should take this conversation to a more private place." Edward smirked reading my thoughts.

"I hope this is about getting revenge, that _thing_ has no right!" Rosalie huffed. Emmett kissed her sweetly on the cheek, she immediately calmed down and a spark flickered in her eyes. Jasper looked lustfully at me and kissed me on the lips, taking my breath away, so to say. I giggled as the kiss became hotter and hotter. And to think… Jazz always complained of horney, hormonal teenagers…

_Emmett and Rose are in the Janitors closet. Emmett rips Rose's shirt off while she pulls his pants down. He throws her to the wall, creating small cracks behind them. They ignore it… they're too in love to care. They desperately search for each others lips, desperately needing the contact. The faint light that comes through the small gap between the floor and the wall illuminates their white pale skins. They know sooner or later the will get caught, and neither parent's will be there to bail them out, still… they have each other and that's all that counts. The lights go out and teenage girls start to scream at the top of their lungs as if Charlie Manson had just entered the building. They carry on with their… activities, breaking many cleaning tools in the process. But they don't care, that's defiantly the last thing on their minds, no what they are thinking is each others marble skins and how they could stand to live a second without it; all they can do is to take advantage that they are finally… together… literally. _

"Apparently we're not the only ones who can't keep there pants up." I told Rosalie. She smiled, genuinely and Emmett's head perked up. I noticed his hand was resting comfortably on her buttocks. Emmett leaned in to kiss her on the base of her neck. Edward coughed, bringing them back to realty. Emmett wore a devilish smile, the same smile that indicated Esme was going to have to remodel their room…

_Emmett and Rose are in the Janitors closet. Emmett rips Rose's shirt off while she pulls his pants down. He throws her to the wall, creating a large hole behind them. They ignore it… they have accumulated too much lust to care. They desperately search for each others lips, desperately needing the contact. Between their wild movements all the shelves break and cleaning products scatter over the floor. They don't notice they're making wild and inappropriate noises, too loud and improper to be mistaken. How can they notice when every inch of their bodies is been bombarded with explosions of ecstasy? The lights go out and teenage girls start to scream at the top of their lungs as if Charlie Manson had just entered the building. They carry on with their… activities, breaking everything that got in the way, even using a poor broom. They know sooner or later the will get caught, and neither parent's will be there to bail them out… they know it yet they carry on. Why do they continue not even bothering to put their clothes on when they hear angry footsteps approach their heaven?_

A let out a cackle of mad laughter and every face turned to look at me. I found myself in the small library sitting down next to Jasper while Edward smirked holding Bella's petit hand in his.

"Finally…" He muttered. I nodded; Emmett and Rose had been having sex in the Janitors closet ever since they invented them. Never once had they been caught much to our dismay.

'_That means I win the bet!' _I thought happily. Edward groaned while Bella sighed, obviously amazed anyone actually bet against me.

"What did you bring us here for?" Rose snapped at me, her temper already on the edge.

"Touchy… touchy…" I muttered. She glared at me but I ignored her. "Anyway…" I started a smile curving onto my face. Edward smiled and Bella looked curiously from him to me. "I have a plan."

_Carlisle POV_

I looked at the antique clock that ticked on my wall. Each second seemed to go extra slow, as if on purpose. Irene sat in front of me trying to read something in Spanish.

"Yo solo qerro saber qe signifiko parra tii."

She looked up proudly at me and it took all my strength not to raise my eyebrow and yell 'What the…?"

"Great. We just have to work a bit on the accent." I told her hurriedly. Bob was filming us and I desperately wanted to leave the room; awkward was an understatement. I looked at my watch. "Look at the time; I'm going to be late…"

I grabbed my leather bag and scarf. "We'll practice a bit more tomorrow, you've almost got it." I told her politely. She closed the book, her smile still radiating. Before I could even give her time to talk I fled the room.

I looked outside, there was a heavy storm. Alice had mentioned something about it but I hadn't really paid much attention. I opened the garage door and admired my Mercedes.

It was a real beauty, tuned to perfection. I slid into the black leather seat and appreciated how much cars had evolved, starting from that expensive Ford Edward had made me buy so many years ago. I slowly turned the ignition key and a smile painted my face as I heard the familiar purr. The garage doors opened and I hit the pedal zooming into the wet dirt roads.

The car barely registered the irregularity of the woods floor and the black windows muffled the heavy pounding rain. I turned the music up, making full use of the surround system. I leaned back and enjoyed the power radiating from the wheel. The Killers boomed in the background as I burst into the highway and manoeuvred the car in a 360 degree spin. I let out a stream of laughter as I ran over 170 mph. I drifted in a way that put the Fast and Furious guy's to shame and urged the car to move faster and faster until I finally reached 200 mph.

I reached the hospital too soon for my liking but I dejectedly got out of the car. I put my coat on for mere habit. I enjoyed getting wet; it was one of my quirks it reminded me of England's dismal weather. Esme also enjoyed seeing my hair messy and wet but Alice on the other hand made a fit worthy of a Greek tragedy when she saw I had harmed her precious clothing.

I walked though the ER doors and saw how it was up to maximum capacity.

"Dr. Cullen, I'm so glad you arrived. We're incredibly backed up." Marian a young nurse said handing me my lab coat and taking my bag.

I nodded and I let myself be guided to the most critical patients.

***

Nine hours later I found myself with my hands deep inside a man's stomach. There had been a black out and people had started doing stupid things, and then add water to the mix, kaboom - you find yourself in an ER filled with car crash residues, idiots falling down their stairs, and teenager's victim's of their own unsuccessful pranks.

Leaving was unthinkable; I was focused, awake and covered in blood. I guess you could describe me as having an adrenaline rush, but this was my life and these people depended on me, how could I leave?

So I chose not to, something I would deeply regret later.

_Rosalie POV_

The pranks were set and everyone had vowed silence. I looked at my watch, half an hour. That was all I needed to wait until lighting hit the generator and there was a power cut in the whole town. I glanced at the window quickly and saw how the sky was basically black; it felt more like night than day.

No one was actually paying attention to the class, but most amusing of all was that the teacher, Mr. Tebet, hadn't notice the small war that was happening in his classroom.

Rubbers, pencils and papers flew in the air hitting people in the head from all directions. I had been bored so I kind of started it with a bit of help from Emmett. He of course was winning, dodging everything that came his way and hitting everybody within reach. Emmett turned around and hit a small boy smack in the middle of the forehead. I had to restrain myself from laughing. He glared at us and grabbed a pencil sharpener and tried throwing it our way.

He missed of course, hitting instead Mr. Tebet on the head. The old man turned around confused. The room immediately silenced and every head turned to look at the boy.

"Timmy is in for it." I girl whispered to her friend. The other girl nodded. Timmy was paralyzed, his arm still in the air.

"Mr. Clark, principals' office now!" Mr. Tebet yelled. "And the rest of you, work!"

Emmett and I smirked as Timmy grabbed his bag and slowly walked out of the room.

"As you can see Newton's law can be applied in our everyday lives…" The teacher drowned on.

Ten minutes later after having to stand listening to ridiculous ways to apply physics laws to day to day life the bell finally rung. Emmett and I left the room for the cafeteria. We sat in our usual table and we waited for our brothers to arrive. I recognized Jaspers distinct footsteps coming from the other side of the hall. We looked up at him and saw he was huffing in anger.

"The man has no right! How can he call himself a historian when he hasn't got the slightest idea about the Civil War?!" He asked angrily. Alice grabbed his arm and sighed. Apparently it was C-day, the day they 'taught' Jasper about the civil war. I had accompanied Jasper a couple of times in this particular class, and frankly it was amusing; seeing Jasper break parts of the table and have an open debate with the teacher was something quite interesting to presence.

He sat down in front of me and crossed his arms in a childlike manner.

"Wanna' egg his house later?" Emmett asked, excitement radiating off him. Jasper shacked his head; Emmett rolled his eyes in disappointment and pulled me onto his lap.

"Where's Edward and Bella?" He asked looking around.

"They went hunting." Alice stated simply. "You know what Jazz, we should go too." He nodded and they got up.

Great, they were leaving us to rot alone in this place. I felt Emmett kiss me on the base of my neck and lust rushed threw my system like water quickly filling a dam.

We got up quickly before the bell could ring and we carefully walked out and into a Janitors closet. It was locked but it didn't take much strength to break it open.

Emmett ripped my shirt off while I pulled his pants down. He threw me to the wall, creating a large hole behind me. We ignored it… we had accumulated too much lust to care. We desperately searched for each others lips, desperately needing the contact. Between our wild movements all the shelves broke and cleaning products scattered over the floor. We don't notice we were making wild and inappropriate noises, too loud and improper to be mistaken. How could we notice when every inch of our bodies were been bombarded with explosions of ecstasy? The lights went out and teenage girls started to scream at the top of their lungs as if Charlie Manson had just entered the building. We carried on with our… activities, breaking everything that got in the way, even using a poor broom. We knew sooner or later we would get caught, and neither parent's would be there to bail us out… we knew it yet we carried on. Why did we continue not even bothering to put our clothes on when we heard angry footsteps approach our heaven?

_Alice POV_

Wrong, wrong, wrong! It was all going wrong! Rosalie and Emmett weren't doing anything to not get caught, Edward and Bella were out in the woods doing who knows what, and Jasper was still upset.

I walked up and down the parking lot while Jazz stared at me loveinly.

"Jasper can you go get Edward and Bella, I need them here in at least ten minutes, ok?"

"Alice, calm down. You will have your revenge." He told me softly and kissed me on the cheek. I turned around to kiss him properly but by the time I turned he had already left.

"I hate it when you do that Jasper Whitlock!" I said to nobody in particular.

_Emmett and Rose sit on two uncomfortable chairs on opposite sides of the rooms. The only source of light comes from a couple of candles, giving their white skin a sinister look. Mr. Tebet is supervising them, sweat trickling down his forehead and adrenaline running threw his veins. He is scared for no reason, and both "teenagers" know it. They can feel it; they were designed for that purpose. _

_A soft knock on the door is heard and a terribly dressed woman walks in the room. She is pale, though nothing near as the two sitting. Her expression is repulsed and a short plump man films the scene. Everyone in the room is tense; everybody's blood is going at an even flow. Thump…thump…thump…thump._

_Emmett and Rose's eyes are black as coal and both try to restrain from their animalistic nature. But they can't as images of the sweet, red blood cascading down their throats come to their minds. Emmett stands up and turns to look at the three humans looking terrified at him. He smiles innocently at them and approaches them; every human in the room takes a step backwards. _

_Why do they take a step backwards? They ask themselves. They reach to the conclusion that they are intimidated by their raw beauty in the flickering light, the same light that gives them a demon look. _

_-It must be a game with the light; the flickering must be the trick- thinks one, trying to reassure his body that there was no necessity for running out of the room as fast as he can. _

_But how wrong they are, for there is a reason for them to run. They are in the presence of the worlds most dangerous predators. Fools they are as the stunning blond gets up. The two vampires coldly calculate how to break their necks without spilling the blood…_

_And they do just that._

"Crap, crap, crap!" I said out loud. I seriously did not need Rose and Emmett to kill three humans; I wouldn't be able to get my revenge. Okay, if Rose killed Irene, it my count as settling the score but I didn't want to reach that point yet…

"I have to stop this."

I ran towards the building just as the lights went out and girls started screaming at the top of their lungs. Why they were screaming was a mystery to me. I heard the unmistakable noise of Emmett/Rose time coming from a Janitors closet. Mr. Guevara, the principal was going that direction just as the sounds grew louder and louder.

Thanks to the first vision, I had stolen lighter from a senior. I got a piece of paper out and lit it. I waited for the fire to grow; when it did the fire alarm went of.

Mr. Guevara stopped dead on his tracks as cold water fell on him. The girls screamed louder, they were now wet _and_ in total darkness. I ran full speed towards the closet, protected by the darkness and burst the door open.

The image I saw next would be stuck in my mind for a looong time. I threw clothes at them and they quickly put them on.

We ran outside before Guevara remembered his initial purposes and started looking for us. We reached the cars as the others waited for us patiently under the rain.

"Sick! Oh my god Alice, make the images stop!" Edward whined painfully. On the bright side, Edward would have to suffer with me.

"Get over it bro, we all know being a virgin for over ninety years made you prude and all, but some of us have a sex life." Emmett said totally relaxed while Rose smacked him on the head. If Bella were still human she would have blushed, and badly.

"I thought we had a deal, Emmett, remember? Wright after I was turned?" She reminded him. Emmett rolled his eyes and opened the BMW's door.

"I'm talking about his life not yours."

And with that he got in the car. Bella huffed and Edward gently stroked her hair, humming her lullaby.

"Ok guy's we leave the cars in the woods. Then we sneak in the house and everybody does there part, are we clear?" I asked them. They all nodded and everybody got in their respective cars.

**So a bit of a cliffy… but next chapter will be in Irene POV. Just a little reminder, reviews make me write faster even though my hand is purple and swollen because I punched something that was too hard… jeje.**


	6. The da Vinci Code

**Thank you so much for the reviews! The hand is better know… haha. Once again my friend (Gise-Nessie) helped me with some of the ideas. So, thx! **

**The "Autobots!!! Transform and rollout!!!" quote is from ****Optimus Prime on The Transfomers, the 80's version. And the song Emmett sings is "Invincible" by Ok Go.**

**I hope it isn't too OOC, but Alice and Rose would get pretty angry if someone burnt a pair (**_**their**_** pair) of Louis Vuitton boots. XD Well enough with my rambling and let's enter the Twilight zone. Oh yeah, and about the The Twilight Zone, before you start the chapter you should listen to the theme song (The Twilight Zone) just to get in the mood if you know what I mean…**

The da Vinci Code

_Emmett POV_

Alice and Rose were ecstatic, Edward wasn't in such a foul mood and Bella's eyes were wide with excitement. As for me, well… I just couldn't wait. I had never taken part of such a big prank, and if we succeeded it might be one of my greatest accomplishments.

We parked the cars under some large trees so they wouldn't get so dirty. Alice's Porsche was already there, they had taken a head start and Edward and Bella were out buying calendars. I stepped out of the car and saw how Rose looked down at her Jimmy Choo's and then to the mud in front of them.

"I'll carry you, babe." I told her. She let out a sigh of relief as I picked her up.

We reached the house in a matter of seconds and Rose swiftly jumped off. We could hear Alice running around the entire house. Rose looked around and graciously went to Irene's room.

I saw Bob sleeping on the couch, poor man, with our sleeping habits he had slept two hours for the last couple of days. I went over to him and prodded him gently. He tried pushing me away.

"Bob, you might want to film this…"

"Go away." He said yawning.

"Ok, but if you miss the prank of the year it's not our fault."

He got up and I grinned widely. He set the camera up and I waited until the red light turned on.

"Well, it is a _long_ standing Cullen tradition that the newcomer must be pranked for three days. This time our theme is 'The Twilight Zone', when we were kids," I couldn't help but let a chuckle at that point. "It was our favourite show, well except for Edward… but he's a wuss." I stopped to give a dramatic opening as thunder clashed illuminating the living room. "So… Autobots! Transform and rollout!"

Bob turned the camera off and looked at me with a weird expression. "I've seen strange families, but this one is definitely in the lead."

"We like to be the best in every aspect." I said laughing.

I walked away leaving him to set all the cameras up and I went to my room waiting until Irene waked up.

_Irene POV_

I was conscious the rules said I was supposed to wake up at four o'clock in the morning, but I was a person who needed eight hours of sleep. I could not be expected to clean Versailles Palace after having to listen to them play "Metallica Rock Band" until Emmett got angry that he lost and broke the guitar. And all that was ignoring the fact that the bed was so comfortable even moving an inch of my body was unthinkable. Me and Bob had gone back to bed after Carlisle left.

"_When they finally come to destroy the earth they'll have to go through you!!!"_ Emmett's booming voice screamed.

"What the…? It's… eleven o'clock; they should be at school…" I muttered rubbing my eyes. I quickly got up and went over to the closet to get dressed. I opened it and only found Carlisle's clothes.

"Weird… mine should be here."

"_That crushing crashing atom smashing white hot things it's invincible!!!" _

I couldn't even hear my own thoughts with the music up so loud. Where was the last place I had seen my clothing? I was sure I had tidied them into the closet. I looked around in the drawers; I could not have lost all my clothes and only be left with my pair of high school sweatpants and a shirt that said "Touch Me". It had to be their doing…

"Invincible oh oh oh!!!"

"Shut up!" I yelled to nobody in particular. I could not go around the house in my state of dress surrounded by god-complex teenagers who thought fashion was life. I looked at the wall calendar, Wednesday… four days until they had to follow my rules…

"_So please use your powers for good. Please use your powers for good_." Emmett carried on singing. Yeah right…

I carried on looking for my clothes, opening the closet every time I passed it, secretly hoping they would appear. It was on my sixth attempt to magically invoke my garments that I noticed a small piece of paper with beautiful handwriting neatly tucked on one of the empty hangers. I quickly grabbed it.

_Irene,_

_In order to find your clothes you will have to travel to another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land who__'__s boundaries are those of imagination. Your next step__…__ The Twilight Zone._

Seriously, they were trying to get to me by using the intro of a satanic programme? Well I was stronger than that and I would show them. I looked on the other side of the paper and saw the message wasn't over.

_Word to the wise, the kitchen is always a good place to start._

So it was going to be some sort of treasure hunt, that wasn't as bad as it could have been. I was good at treasure hunts; this would be a piece of cake.

With a new sense of security I walked out of the room. Rose was passing by but stopped dead on her tracks when she saw me. She made a gagging noise the started laughing. "Good god woman, did Britney Spears lend you her fashion advisor? But even she has more common sense…"

She carried on walking and I tried my best to ignore the comment. I took a turn the kitchen and tried putting the lights on. Thunder clapped, oh… a power cut, maybe we could all get to have some family time without those horrid machines they play with. I started opening all the drawers.

I opened the last cabinet slowly; I was tired; the kitchen was big enough to fit a football team. On the small door a piece of paper said: _Reader beware, you're in for a scare._

I ignored the warning not thinking the least of it. I opened the cabinet quickly and wanted to get over with it. Emmett jumped out yelling, "BOO!"

"AAAHHHHHH!!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. I shut my eyes and continued screaming as if it was the end of the world. A few minutes later I opened my eyes and found I was alone in the dark kitchen, no trace of the attack visible.

I could see in the feint light a piece of paper where Emmett had jumped out:

_Irene,_

_Seeing you didn't suffer from a heart attack, though a few people might suffer from permanent ear-damage from now on, but that's not the point. You're clothes are important, right? But they're just piece's of fabric… you wouldn't mind living in those… pants and shirt, for the next week and so._

_Word to the wise, look around for a door that leads to the ground, jazz is always a good idea to relax._

A door that lead to the ground? I took a tour of the house, there was no basement. I was sure of it.

The house was completely silent now. No sound but thunder could be heard. I knew they were all home, I had no doubt about that. Then slowly a violin started playing, the sound was beautiful, pure and inexplicably sad and filled with fear. Every nerve in my body locked in its place, the melody was overwhelming. But I had to find the source; I needed to know what was creating such… perfectness.

I slowly walked out of the kitchen, each step harder than the one before. I entered the living room and saw Rosalie playing. She looked more godlike than human, on the contrary, human was an understatement. She stopped playing and looked up at me, her face smooth as stone was so beautiful I felt ashamed to be even looking at me. Immediately I was humbled by her presence. She got up and looked down at me.

"For all humans have evolved, they're plain blind." She said in her strong melodious voice that sounded more like an angel's choir than anything.

I frowned, what does _that_ mean?

She left the room with a smirk. I looked around, what was I missing? Where was the next clue? '_Look around for a door that leads to the ground'. _

I walked around the room for what seemed an hour. It was until I started knocking on the wooden planks that I noticed the ones underneath the piano were hollow. I got on the piano stool and the notes on it said "_**Für Irene". **_

_Haha, XD well I'm going to leave it here this time, I know it's short but I thought an update might be appreciated. Next chapter will be uploaded in the next few days, constructive criticism is always welcome. I hope you enjoyed it. Lol. R&R! _


	7. Wrath of the Blonde the Pixi and the Doc

**Well due to a power cut I'm inspired to write about a power cut (the irony). **

**Before I get on with the story I want to thank everybody who's reviewed, favourite or alerted the story. Thanks guys, it really makes my day.**

**Btw, this chapter has a reference to my other story "Let's Not Talk About the 70's". It's still understandable so you don't have to read it if you don't want to, but it's funnier if you know what they're talking about.**

**(Italics are Jaspers thoughts).**

The Wrath of the Blonde the Pixie and the Doc

_Jasper POV_

The prank was fun, yes, I wouldn't deny that. But why we were doing it was a mystery to me. Okay, so the woman had thrown a pair of Louis Vuitton boots to the fire, no one with any type of common sense would do that. Still, making her believe that we were repeating the same day for three continuous days was going a bit too far. And anyway, why were we pretending there was no light? We had a power source in case this happened so we could always have electricity.

"That's not the point, Jazz." Edward said softly. "We've got a human in the house we can actually play around with."

"Is that you speaking or Emmett?" I questioned.

"Both."

I rolled my eyes. I couldn't believe that our Saint Edward was so excited about pranking a human. What was the world coming to?

"Just do your part, Jasper." Rosalie hissed at me.

"Fine." I muttered.

I walked back into living room to scare Irene senseless. I was just doing what Alice told me to do. I knew that if Carlisle found out what we were doing (which he eventually would despite Alice's encouragements), "Alice told me too," wasn't really going to help me out.

The house was completely dark and the enormous glass windows shook when thunder clapped. I sighed, we... well I, was already going to frighten her I didn't need lighting as well. Why couldn't Rosalie turn the UPS back on? Irene having a heart attack wasn't the brightest thing we could do while cameras filmed us. But, as always these two wanted some theatrics. I resigned myself to the mission I had been given and went to where Irene sat on Edwards piano stool trying to play the complicated composition he had made; Bob was sitting in the corner, bored filming.

When we first bought the house Rose and Emmett wanted a small place for them, so with the help of Esme they had made a 'secret' basement that could only be opened by playing a song. The only problem was that it was even creepier hearing their moans coming from under you.

"You look like you need some help there, Ma'am." I said politely. She jumped backwards, obviously not noticing I had entered the room. Her heart pounded hard and fast against her chest and I could feel the blood radiating from her veins five feet away from her, a thousand and one ways to kill her and Bob came flooding into my mind just as fast as the lightning that clapped outside. I took a step forward, but before I could even put another foot down Rosalie put her strong hand on my shoulder.

"If you eat them I won't be able to have my fun, on any other circumstance I'd let you. So, ready to do this?" She asked me so low only I could here. I nodded and swallowed down venom that had pooled in my mouth.

I could feel the mixture of fear and uncertainty that Irene was feeling just as much as the excitement that Rosalie was trying to contain. I sent I wave of calm and Irene immediately looked much more comfortable and Bob looked as if he were about to go to sleep.

"Do you need a bit of help with that song?" Rose inquired innocently, her angelical voice sweeter than cotton candy. Irene fell for it immediately, and I could feel how she melted. I rolled my eyes, manipulation was Rose's second nature.

"Don't lay it so thick; she's going to end up in love with you." I muttered quietly. I felt how insulted she was because of my comment. Women. Couldn't take a compliment without getting angry first.

"Let's just get this over with." She told me, back to the arrogant tone she used with everyone that wasn't Esme, Carlisle or Emmett. She moved towards Irene and with a death stare moved her off the stool. Rose started playing the song, it was Fur Elise in theory just with a few modifications Edward had made to perfect the tune.

When she finished playing, the piano started moving revealing a secret passage downstairs. Irene looked curiously and then back at us. Every time they opened the secret door it reminded me of a Harry Potter scene to get to Dumbledore's study.

"Are you going to come with me?" Irene asked us quietly.

"Sure." Rose answered.

How and why did I get stuck in the middle of this mess?

We went down the spiral staircase and suddenly "Another One Bites the Dust" came into my mind.

"Jasper!" Edward whined. _What? You're going to tattle on me with Alice for singing a song? Grow up Eddy boy, it ain't the 70's anymore. Alice's got over that._

"Yeah right, she's still furious about the Calvin Klein blouse you know." Edward answered back. _Well Bella did go a step too far drawing a hippie symbol on it, and with permanent marker. She never had that self preservation thing, did she?_

Edward ignored my last comment and I carried on walking down. 

We reached the bottom of the stairs and was surprised to find that the king sized bed had been replaced with three chairs. The room was illuminated by candles giving everything a sombre look. I recognized some of the books from Carlisle's library where lying on the shelves, he wasn't going to be happy when he found out we, they, had taken his books.

"You girls really outdid yourselves, didn't you?" I muttered sarcastically, knowing all the vamps in the house could hear me. Rose ignored me although she replaced her cold frown for a smug grin.

Irene picked up a piece of paper that was on the chairs. I made it my duty that she be splashed with continues waves of fear.

"Well… it says that you're going to tell my story." She said looking up at me, shivering as she spoke. What? A story? I was supposed to scare her, not tell her bed times stories.

"Rose? What the hell do you think you're playing at?" I asked too fast and low to be perceived.

"Just improvise Texas boy. Tell her this used to be a jail, a cemetery or whatever, I don't care, narrate The Shinning or something. That Edward is the real life version of The Orphan." She whispered back in the same voice.

"_You _do that!" I whisper/yelled back.

"I don't have the creepy vampire vibe as much as you do."

"Right, you have more. Fine." I huffed. I sat in front of Irene, penetrating my gaze in her eyes and prepared an improvised terror story.

_Carlisle POV_

Five hours had passed since I arrived and I hadn't had a single moment of peace, which in some weird way made me happy. As more patients came in their injuries came even more peculiarly interesting. At some point a man had come in; he had apparently swallowed a small key ring torch. I didn't even want to begin to understand how that got in there, but two of his friends were with him laughing so hard they'd cried. I had had to ask them to leave the room.

"Dr. Cullen, we've got person who fell down the stairs." A nurse told me, her voice going slower as she looked up at me from her chart. Esme would have slapped her if she'd seen the smile she threw my way.

"Okay, I'll go check it out. In the mean time schedule an MRI." I told her politely and left for the ER.

I went to bed five as the chart indicated and I found myself staring at a man in his mid twenties.

"Hello, sir. My name is Dr. Cullen." I told him as I started inspecting the bruises that scarred his abdomen. He looked at me dumbly as if he was debating something very important in his mind.

"So tell me, Mr. Mc Cart, how did this happen?"

"Hey dude, are you like a real doctor?" He asked me, completely ignoring my question. "Or like are you like a zombie or corpse or something? You're not like going to suck my brain or something, right?"

I had to laugh at his guess. "No, Mr. Mc Cart, I am not going to suck your brain out or any other organ of the sort. I am actually a real doctor."

"Then it's cool." He said, happy he found out I wasn't a _zombie or something._ "So tell me, Doc. How many bones did I break?"

"I'm almost sure you cracked at least to ribs, and your Tibia's defiantly broken. Which brings me back to my original question, how did this happen?" I said as I upped his morphine dosage.

"Well, I got dared to throw myself on a skateboard down the stairs while standing up, which you know sounded pretty cool. So I was doing pretty well, if I may say so myself, until the power cut, and well like I got unbalanced and fell. My friends were laughing so hard it took a while to call an ambulance. If you wanna see the video it's probably on You Tube by now." He said with a proud grin. "They told me they were posting it under 'Epic skateboard-stairs fail'."

"Well that's good to now and I might check it back when I go home, for now I have to get an MRI and some X-rays." I answered. Emmett would probably like the video. But then again, if I showed it to him he'd want to do it himself.

"So, how come you're a doctor, you could be in acting. I'm sure all the chicks 'round her swoon over you." He asked me wearing a childish smile that reminded me of Emmett's.

"Well, I'm not sure if they all swoon over me, I'm married." I answered as I started to move the bed to get him into the x-rays.

"Dude, like how old are you?"

"Twenty eight."

His mouth was open in a small 'o' of surprise. "You're four years older than me and you're already a pro doctor, who's married. What next, you got six adopted kids?"

I couldn't help but let out a chuckle. "Yeah, you actually got it right."

"No way! That's so sick dude! How'd you do it? I can't even face commitment, my girlfriend hates that." He said as I pushed him through the corridors to the exam room.

"Well, I love my job, my wife and kids so it's not that hard." I answered thoughtfully.

"Six?" He asked still shocked.

"That is correct. Why, is it really that hard to believe?" I asked him with a playful smile.

"Well you should be like a saint or something. My mom went bonkers with only two of us, everybody in the ER knew us." He told me.

"You're an adrenaline junkie, right?" I asked him.

"No pain, no gain dude!"

"Well, lets get your scans and see if your right."

With his 'help' I carried him to the bed. I turned the machine on and when he gave me the thumbs up, I started taking the photographs. When I finished I went back out and put him back on the bed.

"So tell me doc, how long will I have to stay here?"

"Well depends on the results, as soon as I have them I'll tell you. May I ask, where are these friends of yours?"

"Well, David had a trip to Vancouver and the rest of the gang said they'd stop by later, why?"

"Curiosity."

"I GOT HIT BY LIGHTNING! I GOT HIT BY LIGHTNING! I GOT HIT BY LIGHTNING! I GOT HIT BY LIGHTNING!" A voice yelled from the ER doors. I could pick up the distinct smell of burnt and my head snapped to woman in her… thirties, yelling like a maniac. Dr. Robins and I looked at each other for a moment and we both ran to the patient.

I got first.

"My case, Robins!" I yelled with glee. In my years of medical service I had only had a handful of these cases and I found it interesting to deal with the symptoms.

"No fair Cullen! I saw her first!" He said as he arrived next to the bed. "I'll take the rest of your double shift for this one."

I thought for a moment while the patient carried on yelling at the top of her lungs. Leaving would mean Irene, but it also meant I got some time with my children… and knowing them by know they were trying to prank her, so maybe if I went I could stop them before they did anything serious.

"Ok, all yours."

"Seriously?"

"Go ahead, page me if it gets too complicated." I said sarcastically, he pulled his tongue out at me and I went back with Mr. Mc Cart.

"She was so yours, doc." He said when I reached his bed. I laughed but made no comment.

"Mr. Robins will know take over my shift, his my pager number, house number and cell number. Call me if you need me at all. Any discomfort, anything." I told him as I pulled a card out.

"I'll be fine, it's just a scratch doc, it's just a scratch." He said with a boyish grin.

"I'm sure your x-rays say other wise." I reprimanded.

"Well, see you tomorrow Mr. Mc Cart."

"Dan, call me, Dan." He told me with a kind smile.

"Well then Dan, I guess you can call me Carlisle."

"Cool name, dude! Hey before you go can I ask you for something?" He asked me a bit embarrassed.

"Of course."

"Um… can I see a photo of your kids?" He asked me timidly. I broke into a smile and pulled my wallet out. I had a photo that we took a while back, everybody was there.

"Wow!" He said like a five year old who had gotten exactly what he wanted for Christmas. He gave me back the photo. "You're lucky, you know."

"Thank you."

"Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow." He said while looking around, wearing a devilish smile. I turned around but my sensitive ears caught his last mutter. "There must be something entertaining 'round here."

"I heard that!" I said as I left the ER.

I went into my office and grabbed my coat and bag. I would be able to go home early; the thought brought a smile to my mouth.

_Alice POV_

"Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! PLAN B EVERYBODY, CARLISLE'S COMING HOME EARLY!"

**So yeah… a cliffy. Buahahahaha. I'm really sorry about how long it took to update, hehe, and I promise next chapter will be up soon. "Comets" will also be updated and I've got a one-shot in the making, so a review would be a nice incentive, lol. **


	8. Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

**So yeah, a really quick update! I'm posting so soon for 2 reasons, one, because of the awesome reviews, alerts and favourites #) Second, 'cause I got 88 as an average (out of a 100), which is really cool seeing as I've been distracted with 'how to prank Irene without potentially killing her'. Hehe. But anyway, I'm rambling now… ON WITH THE STORY!**

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

_Emmett POV_

"Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! PLAN B EVERYBODY, CARLISLE'S COMING HOME EARLY!" Alice yelled unnecessarily at the top of her high soprano voice. "Jasper, sleep them with lethargy! Rose put all the books back to place! Emmett, turn the UPS back on! Edward, monitor Carlisle's thoughts, and Bella, keep him distracted!"

Immediately I ran outside in the thundering rain to try and fix the damage Rosalie had done to get the thing to go off. The massive data-center had loose wires everywhere. I connected them as fast as I could and ran back into the house.

"Five minuets people! Remember Carlisle drives like a maniac on ecstasy." Alice screamed as she placed all the books back in random places.

"Em, take Irene to Esme's room and I'll put Bob in his." Rosalie told me with hints of panic on her usually calm voice.

"Sure babe, we've got a sister psychic with us." I reassured her as I mulled Bob's massive body. "Hey, Jazz man, can't you send us some chill vibes? Everybody's kinda nervous."

"Want me to sleep them or calm you?" He asked me irritated. I threw Irene onto the bed and went back downstairs.

"Okay, everybody, act _normal_." Alice said as Carlisle parked his car.

"I'm home." He called out in his unnerving voice. As soon as he opened the door the smell of disinfected, cast and… burnt? Filled the room.

"Dude, go have a shower! You stink of disinfected burnt cast, no wonder they sent you home." I teased him. Carlisle rolled his eyes and took his jacket off. "It must be my lab coat; a woman got hit by lightening so it should be that. Oh and Emmett, a patient filmed himself during the accident that sent him to my ER, it's under 'Epic skateboard-stairs fail' you might like it." He offered.

"Awesome!" I said and ran to my room, eager to leave my fathers presence. Rosalie sat on a chair looking, epically beautiful as she twirled a loose strand of her long wavy hair. Slowly she switched legs and let out a long loud sigh. I could see her bored expression on one of the many mirrors. I also saw the incredible cleavage she was wearing and her insanely tight jeans.

Alice burst into the room. "Emmett you are not sticking your hoo hoo dilly in her cha cha! Because all I can see is you two popping like warm champagne! Can't you wait 'till he leaves?" She whisper/yelled at us, too fast and low to be heard outside the room.

"Fine, but the next time you interrupt us I swear I'll Humpty Dumpty with you in the room!" I warned just as Rosalie smacked me on the head.

"What was that for?" I whined.

"Men… incredibly stupid, even when they're vampires." She muttered and left the room.

"Now see what you did?" I complained. Alice turned around and left with a proud grin on her face.

I slowly walked downstairs to the living room where Bella was trying to distract Carlisle from going to his messy study. We all had to do damage control.

"So, dad, I was wondering if you could recommend a book. I really just can't decide which to read." Bella said walking from one side of the room to another. I had to admit she lied a lot better than when she was human. She would have blushed by now and stumbled on her rehearsed words.

"Have you finished War and Peace?"

"Yes, but I must say, I didn't enjoy Tolstoy's critic, actually I don't like that cultural influence at all. I think I should stick with Victor Hugo." She said with a nervous laugh that didn't feel natural enough.

"So, kids, what have you been up to while I was gone? How was school?" He asked scanning our expressions, his eyes feeling like x-rays.

"They sent us back when the light went out." Edward answered soothingly not melting under the immense pressure of Carlisle's stare. He then looked at me, my fight or flight response kicked in and I scanned the room for a quick exit.

"School was boring as usual, dad. Nothing interesting." I answered the unspoken question. If I was still human my heart would've being beating erratically and my hands would be sweating. Carlisle didn't drop his gaze and I tried my best to keep my expression nonchalant. As if on cue (actually… on cue), Alice came running down the stairs.

"Daddy, I seriously need some boots! After what that horrible woman did to mine I think you should do like an insurance policy were I get a new pair!" Alice said sweetly using those puppy dog eyes that melted even the strongest of men.

"Insurance policies don't work like that, Alice. They only give you your money back." 'Daddy' answered back. Alice pouted and she wore the saddest expression I had ever seen. Her petit features looked devastated and her eyes spoke of unimaginable pain.

"But our insurance policy won't like that now will it?" Carlisle reassured her, his voice was calm and strong. He hadn't fallen for Alice's acting, but it was impossible for him to say no to something we wanted so badly. It wasn't in him to deny us anything. "You should go on a weekend, that way you and Rose can go to Seattle and have some fun." He suggested.

Alice's face lighted up like a Christmas tree illuminating the room with her wide, innocent smile. "Thank you Daddy!" She squealed and went over to Carlisle to kiss him on the cheek.

"Emmett, can you come help me with something?" She asked me sweetly. I shrugged and walked up the stairs with her. Jasper was outside Irene's room, his eyes closed in deep concentration. The moment we walked near him my body was filled with the desperate need to rest.

"Good job, Jazz, just a while more and he's out of here." She reassured him and we carried on with our quest to Alice's room, which, for my misfortune was on the top floor. When we finally closed the door under us she turned around at me and hit me on the head.

"Why does everybody keep hitting me?" I whined. Alice rolled her eyes and walked into her closet, if it could be called that at all.

"You have got to be more careful than that when you're around Carlisle unless you want him to catch us." She whispered.

"Sorry, but the guy reads minds, it hard having two Edwards in the house."

"Carlisle doesn't read minds, he just knows how to read expressions, part of his job in the hospital is being able to tell if a patient is lying to him or not."

"So when's he leaving?" I asked.

"In thirty minutes, Dr. Robins isn't the most capable of doctors, especially not with the whole ER to himself." She answered thoughtfully. "And Mr. Mc Carts' girlfriend is going to break up with him, so he's going to be whining like a five year old."

"Poor kid, he fell down the stairs on a skateboard because of a dare I presume his friends made him do plus his girlfriend breaks up with him." I muttered more to myself than to Alice.

"Yeah well, life sucks." She said and walked out in a new outfit with a beaming smile that didn't really match her words.

"So now what to do we do with the millennium old mummy?" I asked her. She closed her eyes looking into the future.

"We go save Bella from potentially ruining everything." She answered and we ran to the living room. When we reached the massive entrance Bella was explaining what we had done that day. Edwards face was contorted in panic, not knowing how to interrupt the conversation without getting reprimanded by Carlisle.

"Yeah… so… we… kinda… did some… family things!" She said. _Dude, your wife is like the worst liar in the world. Even I can see straight through that._ I thought. Edward ignored my comment.

"Exactly, Bella. We played monopoly with Irene, which by the way, we kicked her butt!" Alice squealed in delight. I checked Carlisle's face, his expression was calm (not a big change) but a small glint in his eyes told me he wasn't fooled for a second. And anyway, what was Monopoly?

"We kicked her butt? _I_ kicked her butt." Rosalie said from her room. 

"Really? How curious, I didn't know we had a Monopoly." Carlisle said, still not loosing his composure. If I'd had Edwards gift I would've heard six people say 'oh shit…' simultaneously. The room turned cold with fear, something Carlisle was well aware of.

"I have a Monopoly, I'm sure you won't want to know why we have it… but this time we used it for… it's original purposes." I said with a wild grin. Bella smiled ruefully at me thankful I had come up with an excuse.

"Hmm… interesting, interesting." Carlisle said leaning back on his chair. "I think I'll…"

"Daddy, what did you do at the hospital today?" Alice inquired interrupting our father before he could mention his trashed office. Carlisle turned to her and with a warm smile started explaining all his cases. "So, Dr. Robins exchanged a double shift for lightning case." He concluded with polite smile.

"Hey dad, I still want a rematch on Guitar Hero." I reminded him, as his pager turned off. Finally…

"It's going to have to be another day, Dr. Robins needs a hand." He said, disappointment invading his voice. He hugged Alice and Bella and shook our hands.

"Bye Rose!" He called out.

"Bye daddy!" She yelled as she ran downstairs with all her glory and hugged Carlisle.

"Well, I guess I am going to have to do my shift after all. I'll be right back."

Alice handed him a new white coat and he left. None of us breathed until we couldn't hear his car anymore.

"Damn… I can't believe we just pulled _that_ off." Rosalie said, still staring at the place Carlisle had left.

**Short, but there's going to be an update soon. Maybe a review? Pretty please…**


	9. Just My Imagination

**So many reviews... my mind is blown away! **

**I got a review which I'm really thankful for. The reviewer was '****Razenhigh' and the review was illuminating XD (I say 'review' way too much). Anyway... just in case you're as ignorant as me, you should know the word "Shacked" or "Shaked" (as in the past tense of shake) doesn't exist. It's actually 'shook', duh! When I read it, I actually hit myself on the head.**

**But anyway, I thought that should be made public, and thanks a lot to Razenhigh for telling me that! **

**Sorry if Edward is OOC but I don't really know how to write him XD**

Just My Imagination

_Edward POV_

"Okay, let's go wake them up." Alice said sweetly as she turned around. Her mind was flicking with ideas of vengeance, as was Rosalie's. Emmett was miles away thinking on how to beat Carlisle and Jasper… Jasper, as always, was complicated, especially when he was bombarding two humans with lethargy.

"Girls, we should stop. We managed to escape this time, but we ain't got a snow ball's chance in hell of doing it again." He said from upstairs.

"Jasper, don't be a wuss." Rosalie hissed at him.

"Great, it's like trying to argue with a fence post." He muttered to himself. "_Edward, make them hear some reason, you know just as well as me, this is plain out STUPID." _He thought. I sighed, he was right.

"It's going to fine." Rosalie answered.

"You're countin' your chickens before the eggs hatch, girl." Jasper answered with the same ferocity. "We're going to get caught with our pants down!"

"Oh, just shut up Jasper and do your part!" Rosalie hissed. Before any of us could stop her, Alice threw a vase, with flowers and all, to Rose's head.

"What the fuck?" She yelled.

"Don't speak to Jasper that way!" Alice yelled back. Rose was about to throw herself onto her but Bella, my Bella, grabbed Rose by the waist and restrained her. Emmett did the same with Alice.

"Okay, why don't we do this? We put everything back and act like nothing ever happened. She's going to think she's crazy, so we can annoy her and we lower the risk of Carlisle finding out until necessary." Bella suggested. Alice and Rosalie stopped fighting and wide grins appeared on there faces.

"Great idea, Bella!" Alice yelled.

"_Finally some common sense." _Jasper thought.

"Rosalie, you fix this floor and I'll do Carlisle's study." Alice ordered just as she began skipping and whistling towards the stairs.

"_Does someone creep ecstasy in her food?" _Rosalie thought as she stared at the spot were Alice had left. She turned around to look at me. "_Seriously… some days I understand why the put her in the Looney house."_

I shook my head. "She's just happy, Rose, that's all."

"_Happy does not mean running around the house like freaking red riding hood." _

"What are we going to tell Irene when she wakes up?" Emmett asked as he played with a football. "I mean, she's going to wonder what happened with all the time."

"Easy. She fell asleep." I answered with a smile and hugged Bella.

_Irene POV_

I never thought it was possible to feel so tired. Every inch of my body felt as if I had just climbed Mt. Everest and then ran a marathon. I couldn't open my eyes, even if I wanted to. Then, the feeling lifted off my body. I literally felt how every inch of my body was been freed. This was… odd. I got up and looked at the calendar next to the king sized bed.

Wednesday?

Hadn't I just lived that day? This had to be one of the kids' pranks. Slowly, I opened the closet. _All_ my clothes were there. I went downstairs to find the six teenagers watching a movie.

"Irene!" Alice squealed. "Finally you're awake! You missed Carlisle!"

Could it have all been a dream? "Um… why aren't you at school?" I mumbled.

"There was a power cut in town, so we got sent back." Rosalie answered.

"If Esme were here, what would you normally do?" I asked them as I rubbed my head. They all frowned at my question.

"Well, we'd play baseball." Emmett responded looking a bit startled at his answer. Everybody narrowed their eyes at him. They played baseball? In this weather? There parents were obviously insane! And Carlisle was a doctor; did he really not know the harm this could do to them?

I noticed Edward discreetly mutter something in pure fury.

"In this weather?" I asked quietly. "Well no wonder you always look sick, what kind of a parent let's their children play outside in a thunderstorm?" I looked around and saw the teenagers scolding at me with hatred.

"Esme and Carlisle are the best parents anybody could ask for." Rosalie spat at me. Okay, so they're really defensive about their parents. I wondered briefly if the 'love' was because the literally bought them everything they could possibly imagine.

"We love Carlisle and Esme because they are always there, whenever you need them. If you have a problem they will do their utmost best to help you solve it and because they are our parents. Not just because they buy us every thing and anything we can imagine. They are the best parents anybody could ask for, so I'd suggest you keep your opinions to yourself until you actually know them." Edward said in a voice so icy cold he put the iceberg that sunk the titanic to shame.

Well, although this was anything than welcoming they were at least talking to me and not playing pranks, but had that happened? Everything seemed in order… nothing out of place, was it possible that I'd imagined it all?

I'd leave that aside for a more appropriate moment. Now, bonding time!

"So what do you guys want to study?" I asked them with what I hoped a warm voice. They looked at each other grinning, like if they were sharing a private joke.

"Fashion designer, I plan to take over Vogue and be their editor in chief." Alice said with a smile so mischievous I couldn't help but adore it. Well, at least that explained all the clothes, I wasn't justifying it, it was still stupid to have so many that if you put the total value of it together you could maintain a large country for fifty years.

I looked at the others as I sat down; glad we were FINALLY having a normal conversation.

"A doctor - like my father." Edward said his voice a complete contrast to what it had been less than two minutes ago.

"I want to be a farmer/mechanic!" Emmett said with what I was sure a patented childish grin. Rosalie stared at him, her expression amused with a perfect eyebrow lifted ever so slightly.

"What about you, Bella?" I asked her kindly. She stared at Edward with so much love I was sure it wasn't healthy, but when I looked clearly none of the couples looked at each other with what was a normal amount of love, instead it was obsessive, as if and neither could live without the other.

"I don't know." She finally answered, looking at me. Everybody rolled their eyes exasperated. Maybe she was she always this indecisive.

"Well I want to be a model for some time, and then I'm going to help dear Alice here with Vogue, because we both know it's going to be just too much for her." Rosalie said in a taunting voice. Dear Alice here simply stuck her tongue out at her and carried on flicking through a magazine which I supposed was Vogue itself.

"So many mistakes, so many… wrong models, wrong designers, wrong everything…" She mused to herself.

"And what about you, Jasper?" I prodded. He turned to look at me, surprised I'd addressed him at all.

"Well, Ma'am, I was considering joining the army, they are obviously mucking it all up and they need someone to put some order there." He replied with a small smile that told me he was hiding a bit of information. I blew it off as my own insanity.

"I've been meaning to ask this for a while, how come there isn't any meat in your refrigerator?" I asked, finally remembering the question that had being pestering my mind for a long while.

"Didn't Esme include it in the guide? We're vegetarians." Edward replied with a smile so discreet it barely existed.

I sat there for five minutes looking at them, trying to tell if they were joking or not. "Seriously?"

"Yeah, we believe eating animals is a monstrous thing and that they have feeling's just like humans, and that eating an animal would be like eating a person." Emmett replied in a voice so serious I knew he wasn't joking.

"Seriously?"

"Okay, lady, are you emotionally retarded or do you simply have the IQ of a pigeon?" Rosalie snapped at me exasperated. "So yeah, we're vegetarians, got a problem with that?" I shook my head. "Good. Now, are you going to say anything worth while our time because despite your bizarre beliefs we actually have much better things than to watch you gawk at us."

"Uh… I just thought we could talk, it say's in the guide that you do that a lot with Esme." I replied quietly back.

"Tell us about your family, Irene." Edward said with what seemed all the patience he could muster.

"Well, I've got three children; Samantha, Kevin and Matt. They're ten, eleven and thirteen. My husband, Anthony, gives Civics at the local high school." I answered, smiling at the memory of my family.

"And what are they like?" Bella asked no real interest in her voice.

"Well, they do chores,"

"Chores? God, I haven't done any of those in like over a century!" Emmett interrupted booming out laughing. "And I am seriously not exaggerating! Right Eddie Poo?"

They all laughed at his comment even though I honestly didn't get the punch line…

"You seriously don't help your mother with _anything_?" I asked disgusted, not able to believe they where laughing at the fact they let Esme clean the whole castle on her own. Could these children really be that spoiled? Well, we'd see at rule change…

Alice and Edward perked their heads up as if they'd just heard my thoughts. Man was this family weird.

"It's not like that, Irene." Alice patronized me. "In this household we are firm believers of one of Ghandi's golden rules: Be the change you want to see in the world. So if you want the house clean you can go clean it yourself, if you don't actually care then why bother doing it?"

"Hygiene?" I said taking a wild guess at why one would want to keep there house clean, but they just laughed again a sound that despite its perfection was really coming to bother me. New rule: No one gets to laugh… at me.

"Sorry, Irene, if you think we're laughing at you, but we just haven't heard people saying this kind of stuff in a while." Edward reassured me. Wait, had he just read my mind? A few days here and I already thought they could read my mind; I didn't want to imagine how mad Esme must be.

"Scratch that SexEd, I am laughing _at_ her." Rosalie said in an insulting voice, that with all it's perfection only made me want to strangle her to see if maybe on hair would get out of place and she'd stop being so annoyingly perfect. I smiled at her as if I was amused and carried on picturing ways to throttle her. Edward was laughing louder and louder, louder than Emmett, as if he knew exactly what I was thinking. Okay, this was getting seriously freaky or maybe I was just loosing it.

"Yeah, and at the end of the week I give each three dollars." I commented. Now it was their turn to gawk.

"Wait," Emmett said looking at me as if I were some sort of serial killer. "You give them _three _dollars? What the hell can you buy with _three_ dollars?"

"That is exactly the point, Emmett, this way I'm teaching them to save up and maybe if you'd explore outside your millionaire world you'd realize there are tons of things you can buy with _three_ dollars." I replied satisfied. Jasper looked like he was about to burst about laughing.

"Yeah, Emmett, with three dollars you can buy a packet of condoms. You're an idiot for buying those that cost twenty." He said in a mock serious voice. They all looked highly amused at the comment, and despite the warm feeling that was washing over me I couldn't fight back the black that quickly blinded my vision.

_Jasper POV_

"Wait," I said quietly as I stared at Irene's motionless body. "Did she seriously just feint?"

**I know, you want to kill me for taking so long… sorry?**

**R&R!**


	10. Hannibal the Cannibal

**Thanks for all the reviews, story alerts and favourites! Really, they make my day. For those wondering about Esme, I'm going to do one week at a time. And yes, the chapter has various references to Hannibal/Silence of the Lambs/etc, if you haven't seen the movie or read the books you don't have too to understand, and you can just Google the five line summary. **

**Thanks to "****iamnotupsestwithjasper**" **for the correction. Petite, not petit! Thanks!**

Hannibal the Cannibal

_Carlisle POV_

"You let me violate you  
You let me desecrate you  
You let me penetrate you  
You let me complicate you."

I sang alone the obscene song that was blasting through my cars stereo. I was trying to ignore the obvious fact that my kids were probably doing the most elaborate and cruel prank of the year and that there was little to nothing I could do about it but hope that Jasper or Bella could dissuade them. I knew Alice and Rose wanted blood or her head at the very least and they wouldn't stop until Irene went crazy or cried on her knees begging for forgiveness.

"You can have my isolation  
You can have the hate that it brings  
You can have my absence of faith  
You can have my everything."

I continued singing far too loudly all the while knowing I shouldn't have been listing to Nine Inch Nails in the first place, not before going to work at least. Last time I did, I had strutted into the ER with a smile much too arrogant for my own good that a nurse had literally thrown herself on me. With a sigh I pressed next on the small white iPod hoping the next would help calm my nerves and make the voice at the back of my head stop yelling: "If you don't want Alice and Rose convincing the others that murder is the best next step TURN AROUND!"

But Alice and Rose would never seriously consider killing a person, not on purpose at least, I argued back.

A familiar intro started playing…

"Living easy, living free  
Season ticket on a one-way ride  
Asking nothing, leave me be  
Taking everything in my stride  
Don't need reason, don't need rhyme  
Ain't nothing I would rather do."

Oh god, I was going to hell for not turning back. But the hospital needs me… people will most likely die if I don't go. The other side argued stubbornly. And anyway, what was the worse they could do? Burn her clothes in an Indian Ritual burial? Even Emmett, who took elaborate pranks to the next level had never done anything worse than pasting Playboy and Playgirl posters on every inch of Bella and Edwards room and then wrote "Touched for the very first time" with white aerosol. They could do no worse to Irene, okay maybe I'd have to take the bullet for them and have her shout at me for about an hour… but that didn't matter.

"I'm on the highway to hell  
Highway to hell  
I'm on the highway to hell  
Highway to hell."

AC/DC was completely right, something that I hated to admit. But I was sure they wouldn't do anything physically dangerous… maybe drive her a tad bit insane but with a bit of Prozac all could be mended.

Okay, this was getting ridiculous. I knew my kids and I knew they wouldn't do anything stupid; it wasn't like they were vindictive people anyway! They were mature enough to know when to stop and I was been unfair and irrational by thinking otherwise. I should be ashamed of myself to even think they would do anything of the sort.

Resolutely I changed the song.

"She's a rebel  
She's a saint  
She's the salt of the earth  
And she's dangerous."

Maybe not the most adequate for the moment; I thought as I pressed next once again.

"Standing in the rain  
With his head hung low  
Couldn't get a ticket  
It was a sold out show."

Finally, that was more like it…

"He heard one guitar  
Just blew him away  
Saw stars in his eyes  
And the very next day…"

I sang the familiar melody remembering the thousands of times Alice had put it when it came out. Once she had burst into the dinning room and started singing it on the table. It had sounded odd to say the least, maybe it was the fact she had been singing it a few octaves too high; but on the bright side it had meant musical immunity for a while – Alice had no longer the right to criticise and ban us from listening to music that was under our high standards, though it had all ended when Emmett got into Madonna. "Like a Virgin" had been a personal low. But who was I to be speaking about their taste in music when I had The Donnas on my iPod? A fact Rose never tired of remembering me.

More relieved than I thought possible, I parked the car and cut the engine.

I walked into the lobby where I saw one of the nurses engrossed with a book.

"Mandy," I said softly, hoping not to disturb her. She nearly jumped out of her skin and the book when flying into the air. I caught it before it hit the ground and checked the title. Hannibal. Great… just… great. "Here you go." I said politely handing her the book.

"Thank you, Dr. Cullen." She said blushing and gave me the book where we all signed in. I nodded and went to the hopefully not so hectic ER. I put my white coat on as I walked in but stopped dead on my tracks as I saw a pair of teenagers sitting on two different beds turning only to scold at each other. But that wasn't what surprised me the most – the boy had a stapler dangling from his head and the girl looked like her lips were glued together. Well, that was a first.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Cullen and I'm going to be your attending physician." I told them as I took their chart. "Tell me, Mr. Boyle, how did this particular injury happen?"

"Well, that…" He started turning towards the girl. "Stapled it on my head."

"And Ms. Heart, what happened to you?" I asked kindly, trying not to look at the dangling object on the boys head. She pointed at him and the grabbed a glass like if she were drinking a glass of water.

"So, I can be safe to assume that Mr. Boyle put super glue on Ms. Heart's glass; when she realized her lips were glued together she stapled a stapler into Mr. Boyles head?" They both nodded. "Well, I'm going to remove the stapler, then give Ms. Heart something to un-stick her lips and then both of you are going to explain to me why you did this most ridiculous stunt." I chastised as I put my white gloves on and sterilized the wound. The boy winced but was probably too angry to say anything that didn't include a long line of obscenities.

When the stapler was finally removed, all that was left was two tiny holes on his forehead; I bandaged it and started worrying with what I was going to do with the girl.

"Okay, this is what I'm going to do with you: I'm going to get some warm soapy water and I want you to apply it on your mouth. If you start to feel it's starting to detach slowly try to roll your lips apart." I told her as I filled a small container. She nodded and I handed it to her, wondering at what point of time kids had started doing so cruel revenges and was momentarily glad mine came from a calmer era.

I looked for Dr. Robins, wondering why he had paged me in about some car crash when obviously it was not the case.

"Marian, where would Dr. Robins happen to be?" I asked her as she ran past me.

"In the OR, there was a car crash and he had to go in." She answered and carried on running. Well, at least that explained his absence.

I grabbed another chart of waiting patients and carried on fixing their minor injuries. When it was time to check on Mr. Mc Cart again, I walked into his room to find he was watching that incredibly annoying movie.

"Hi, Dan." I said as I opened his chart even though I had memorized it.

"Hey, Doc! Great news, my girl's coming in like half an hour, don't really know what's so important she's actually gonna drive through a freakin' thunder storm to see me." He said with his childish grin just as Clarice Starling shot even more people. Dan caught where my gaze had wondered off and smiled in a way that reminded me so much of Emmett's.

"You know…" He started as I checked his vitals. "There's a rumour going on that you're the real life Hannibal the Cannibal." He said in a mysterious voice but still not being able to control his wild grin. I scowled at the comment.

"Happens every time one of the nurses gets her hands on a copy." I muttered.

"Well you know there are some striking similarities." He continued, obviously not bothered in the slightest about the scowl I was wearing. "For starters, the doctor title."

"Please note there a three more doctors working in the hospital." I interrupted.

"Exhibit B and by far the one that makes all the nurses come to the conclusion you are the real life Lecter, those posh manners that come from a different century, accompanied, and I quote: 'that singular sensuality that makes you just wanna throw yourself on him while all the time knowing he's got a deep dark secret that just makes him hotter if possible!' You've gotta give those nurses some credit, Doc." He concluded with a definitive nod.

"And aren't you afraid I'll eat your liver with fava beans?" I asked curiously as he turned his Gameboy on and I checked his IV once again. He laughed out loud.

"Nah, doc, your as harmless as a kitten." Well apart from being a vampire… "And anyway, everyone knows Lecter is a good guy, I mean, he only kills people who are rude to him, so I think I'm safe."

"If Lecter kills rudeness per say, then I'll keep the kitten comment in mind." I said with a playful smile. "I'll come back and check on you in while."

"And you'll come back with fava beans…" He answered in a mock scared voice.

"And vintage wine." I finished for him and left the room.

Well one thing was for sure, all the nurses scurried away at the sight of me which was a complete opposite to what I was used to and would actually be a nice break. I walked over to the teenage couple and sat in front of them. Ms. Heart had finally regained full usage of both lips.

"So, are you going to tell me what happened?" I asked them. They both crossed their arms and turned away from each other like petulant toddlers.

"She whines _all_ the time!" The boy said exasperated. "I can't have one second of peace with her around, and she's _always_ around!"

"So you thought gluing her lips was the best way to solve the problem?" I asked him with the same tone I'd use on one of my kids. He looked down, ashamed to even show his face. "And you, stapling his head, that is truly not the smartest of comebacks. How are you supposed to tell someone you don't want them to be violent with you when you are just as violent with them? I think both of you have a lot to talk about, but before I go I want both of you to apologize to each other."

They turned around, finally not throwing daggers at each other.

"Sorry." The boy said quietly. She nodded and put her hand on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry too."

I smiled at them proudly. "I'll go sign your discharge papers, and you're good to go. Though I must beg you to be careful on your way back home, the weather is terrible and I'd hate if any of you had an accident."

They smiled shyly at me. "Don't worry, Doc." Ms. Heart told me.

Pleased with the calm environment, I carried on doing my usual post-ops and pre-ops. As I re-stitched a wound I heard a car pulling in, by the sound of the engine I could tell it was an old Ford, probably at least six years old. The owner of said car came striding down the hall, her high heels clicking all along the way, echoing off the quite halls. The door was half open in the room and she immediately spotted me.

"Doctor, I was looking for a patient and I was wondering if you knew where he was." She said in a no-nonsense tone. I turned to look at her and her jaw dropped a few inches, her pupils dilated and the blood from her face drained. "Damn, that is one hell of a doctor…" She muttered under her breath, oblivious to the fact I could hear her every word.

"What patient were you looking for?" I asked her politely. She took a deep breath again.

"Dan. Dan Mc Cart." She managed to splutter out.

"Ah, so you must be his girlfriend. He mentioned you earlier today."

She nodded and I couldn't help but notice the flicker of emotions playing across her face. "He's in room 3A, that's down the hall to the left. It's the second door on the right." I told her, finally allowing myself to look at her thoroughly. She was wearing some loose jeans, converse and a long black coat that contrasted on her pale skin and bleached blonde hair. She looked down, probably from the intensity of my scrutiny.

"Thank you." She mumbled and left the room. She was going to break up with him – it was written all over her face…

Knowing there was nothing to do about it but wait; I carried on stitching the multiple lacerations across the man's body. Twenty two minutes later I heard the same high heels clicking across the hallway, this time their stride was less determined but they managed to sound just as powerful. It defiantly went well for one of the parties involved, but I wasn't so sure about the other. When I finally finished, I walked back to the ER, wondering if I could go home early, I mean, I wasn't supposed to be here in the first place.

I walked passed Dan's half open door and noticed that his tray was filled with chocolates. I wondered briefly where he had gotten so many bars but dismissed the idea entirely when I noticed his face was filled with pain. I knew I shouldn't have done it, but I knocked on the door.

"May I come in?" I asked him.

"Sure, Doc."

"I've got good news," I started and immediately felt relieved I had, his face brightened ever so slightly. "You're going to be able to leave in a few days, three tops."

He smiled briefly. "Thanks."

"No problem, I know I'm crossing the line here, but are you okay?"

"Okay, okay? Nah, she just broke up with me because I'm 'immature' and I like watching Grey's Anatomy! Can you believe it! That's like the most ridiculous excuse ever!" He answered angrily, running a hand through his hair.

"Don't worry, you're young. Everything is simple at that age, and everything can be solved by just ignoring it."

"What about you, Doc? You're young too." He answered and I couldn't help but chuckle.

"Don't let my looks fool you." I murmured. "She probably wasn't right for you, and if she is she'll come back."

"You think so?" He asked more to himself than me.

"Yes. Yes, I most certainly do. But as your physician I must warn you, that this amount of chocolate isn't either healthy or good." I reprimanded back in my doctor voice. He nodded dejectedly.

"Thanks, Doc. I really appreciate it. I always knew Hannibal the Cannibal had a soft side." He said with his kind childish grin and I couldn't help but laugh with him.

**So yeah, it was kind of a filler, but it was a cute filler right? The world needs more Carlisle! They like completely ignore him in the books… grrr… **

**Any way, the songs are by order of appearance: "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails, "Highway to Hell" by AC/DC, "She's a Rebel" by Green Day, and finally "Jukebox hero" by Foreigner.**

**R&R! **


	11. Wotcha Gonna Do About It?

**Thank you for all the awesome reviews. And talking about reviews I want to congratulate ****1Rbooks for been my 100****th**** reviewer! You get an imaginary cyber biscuit…  
****It's inspiring to see how many people have added me to their favourites and alerts! Oh, almost forgot, ****HarryTwilightMaxRidefan, thanks for the correction XD**

Watcha Gonna Do About It?

_Carlisle POV_

Finally, I was in my car driving home. On my way to the parking lot I had seen the two teenagers 'snogging their brains out' in their car. I hit the gas pedal to the bottom once again and zoomed into the thunder storm, the rain pounded on the metal frame and the spectacular view was illuminated every few minutes with lightning. My mind drifted off to the question Emmett had asked me the other day, "Can vampires get struck by lightning?" It was an interesting question and the answer was still up for debate, alongside with one of his other inquiries: "What happens if we get sucked into a black hole? Would we make it out alive?"

After these few days more and more questions had been popping into my mind, nothing to do with our physical limitation of course, but in regards with Irene and her teaching methods, and all prejudice's aside Alice might possibly be right – this could be a good family experience. We barely spent time together except when we played sports. So yes, we might all live in the same house but over hearing our 'private' conversations was a lot different from actual quality time. Yeah, maybe Irene could help with that, everybody was consumed in their own world – Jasper and Alice were always racing cars, playing dress-up and finding new challenges to test their gifts; Edward and Bella spent all day all day locked up staring at each other whilst Rose and Emmett also stayed in their room but doing a much different activity…

I reached the familiar turning and wondered what I'd do to keep them entertained for the next few powerless days, it was going to be a lot different from what we were used when we stayed home due to the sun because now we had a human to distract and everybody was probably dying to see who could get her to burst.

Lightning struck again illuminating the majestic house Esme had designed over eighty years ago. Esme… I missed my love and her smile, her laughter and her face. I missed… her. When she was around me I couldn't think of a reason or a fact to worry about, I wasn't able to feel confusion, with her everything made sense.

With a melancholic sigh I cut the engine in our vast garage remembering all the smiles she'd ever given me there but the thoughts evaporated when I heard tinkling laughter coming from upstairs. Thinking the worst I ran full speed into the house only readjusting my speed when I opened the door.

There in the middle of the living room sat my six children with Irene throwing an old baseball at each other.

"So, what's eternity like?" She asked playing with the small ball. If I'd been human I knew I would've feinted for sure. They had spilled the beans! On national television! WHAT THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW? Edward looked at me curiously, not a worry in the world.

"Well, imagine a hundred thousand million years," Emmett started and I was about to lunge myself at him to shut up. Irene nodded. "Well eternity is even more."

"I wonder why Voldemort would want that…" She mused and I felt so relieved I was sure I'd cry.

"Hi, I finally managed to come back." I said walking in properly completely composing my distressed face. Irene gave me a shy smile and everybody else looked like they were going to burst our laughing. "So what are you all doing?"

"Well in my family we rarely watch TV or use any device of the sort so I managed to convince everyone to play a game. It's just asking random questions, whoever has the ball gets to ask and who answers gets the next question." She answered. Emmett threw the ball in the air and I managed to see the signatures on the white ball.

"Emmett is that my Ty Cobb ball?" I asked him slowly, not really wanting to hear the answer.

"Oh, yeah I guess it is." He answered surprised and grinned a goofy grin. I scowled, that ball was off-limits… everybody knew that.

"Emmett, you know you can't take that ball."

"That's what I told him like a thousand times." Bella mumbled in a bored tone. Rosalie rolled her eyes while Alice simply grabbed my precious ball and threw it at me. Relieved no harm had come to it I noticed Irene looking at me with a concerned expression. Bob zoomed into her face and I wondered what I did wrong.

"I'm going to order Chinese food, anyone want anything?" I asked them. "Oh and I want to see everyone's homework on my desk in one hour."

"Nah, I'm going to have pizza and how about I give it to you tomorrow, Ms. Krabappel's essay is long." Alice chirped, mischief playing happily in her eyes.

"One hour."

"Fine… and Emmett, I trust you won't touch the ball again."

He nodded, his expression not really matching his actions.

"Carlisle, aren't you going to tell them off for using one of your most prized possessions carelessly? And don't you think one hour is too little for a long essay?" Irene asked me, shock oozing out of her every pore. God, people hadn't been this intolerant since the 1950s… Edward looked at me in confusion, mirth playing in his expression at the same time.

"Come now, Irene, it's hardly my most prized possession and I know Emmett won't do it again in the foreseeable future. That's good enough for me." I answered taking my coat off and hanging it neatly.

I turned around and noticed everybody but Irene and Bob had left. Great… as always they were leaving me to deal with the problem, I thought dejectedly.

"Tell them not to forget to put soy sauce, Alice!" I said knowing that I might as well keep up the charade. Irene crossed her arms in clear sign of confrontation.

"We should take this to my office." I mumbled. Bob prepared the camera and we walked upstairs. I heard Rosalie snicker and I mentally narrowed my eyes at her door.

"You do realize she can't see you, right?" Edward asked me, amusement seeping into his words. I opened the door for Irene, ignoring their taunts.

"Carlisle, I've been talking with the kids, and I really think you don't spend enough time together. First of all you have many inconsistencies in your parenting methods. It's like the only thing you care about is their grades but if they burn the house down it's fine as long as they promise to try to not do it again." She started and I carefully considered my next words.

"Well first of all, I also agree we don't spend enough time together and I'm sure you can help with that, but I grew up in a very conservative house. My father would punish me for the smallest of things and I don't want to do the same thing with them," I said slowly, trying to find an excuse to the why's and won'ts to our over a hundred year old family without actually lying. "And anyway, a promise from them that they'll try and not do it again is the best I can get, nobody can see the future… it's subjective and it can change… so they'd be lying if they said they'd never in a million years do it again. And anyway, I ask good grades from them because I know they can do it, it's not hard for them and I don't want them to get too arrogant and cocky." I finished with a nod, impressed at myself while singing "A Hard Day's Night" in my head.

"Carlisle! I had enough with two decades!" Edward whined from upstairs. _Payback buddy, I know you all set me up. We don't spend enough time together? Now really, you could've just told me without having to resort to… this._

"I understand what you say but I still think they aren't confident enough to tell you these things." Irene replied, and to be honest she plucked a cord in me and with that one sentence she had me full attention.

"That's ridiculous; they know they can speak to me about anything whenever they want to." I said, and I myself noticed the desperation in my voice.

"Well think about it this way – maybe their bad conduct could be their way of getting you're attention. Smothering them with expensive toys and clothes is not a replacement for love."

"Come now, they know I love them and would always put their life before mine any day. The toys are just a bonus. If I can do it, why would I deny them anything?"

"Because you're not teaching them the right values. You're teaching them to be selfish in a consumerist society." She answered back.

"First of all, when have they ever been selfish? Second, my children have more values than you've noticed. I myself wonder if they were born at the end of the 19th century sometimes. And third I'm teaching them the value to love life, that everyday should be filled with pure joy and they should live it like their last and they have to learn everything they can possibly learn. And Irene, I don't know if you've realized but I really do love them, so much that all their woes are also mine just as their joy will always content me."

The whole house was stunned with silence and I myself realized the magnitude of my words. The only noise came from the calm humming on the camera set. Then even and elegant steps started running around only to stop outside my door.

A knock was heard…

"Come in." I answered with a proud smile. Irene looked stunned, probably curious to see if they heard the conversation. Alice walked in with a walkie talkie. She walked around the table and finally settled with awarding me with a wide hug.

"Thanks, dad. And you know how I love the fashion from the 18ing hundreds, so chic… I would've loved to live that era…" She mumbled and pecked me on the cheek. Behind her Rosalie and Bella stood with goofy grins.

"Need we say more?" Rose asked with her award winning smile that melted every heart that crossed its way. Edward and Emmett stood behind Jasper who was bouncing off everybody's emotion… pure joy.

**So kinda fluffy… but I was in that mood, and it's Carlisle… short and fluffy are kinda like my thing with him... that sounded wrong...  
****Cyber biscuit to anybody who can spot out the Simpson reference. It's really obvious guys…  
****I start school tomorrow (Monday), and the idea alone is sad XC But fear not, I think I write more at school than when I'm on hols… you know, this is what I distract myself from horrible algebra *shudder*  
**

**Now it's time for you to be a responsible reader… REVIEW! Lol… I've been dying to say that. **


	12. The Other Angle

**Hi y'all! Wow… we've managed to arrive to chapter 12. As always thanks to my kind reviewers this story would be nothing without them. **

**Cyber biscuits: HarryTwilightMaxRidefan, for answering correctly the Simpson's trivia from last chapter. Jarethobsessed, happy birthday I know this is probably like a day late but it still counts, right? Lol.**

**And just to answer Maddogs' question, I started on the 24****th**** of August school and I'm in 9****th**** grade? Sorry I have no idea what my educational equivalent is to anywhere… lol. **

**Happy reading…**

The Other Angle

_Bob POV_

Its family's like these that reminded me why I loved my job. The amount of whining, yelling, and just general drama they lived in rivalled Big Brother, and god did I know how messy stuff could get there. My daughter would be absolutely horrified once she saw what happened with those boots. After living fourteen years with the girl I had picked up a thing or two clothes-wise and even _I_ knew Louis Vuitton was a no-no.

The good thing about this was at least I could learn how to increase my patience; my friend Larry hooked me up a job in Project Runway and God could those designers be divas. Well nothing could rival working at America's Next Top Model, filming beautiful women in bikinis hadn't been enough for the crew and I to get exasperated more than once when the lady's refused to leave there room because of a non-existent imperfection. At least the three girls in this house were truly perfect and didn't have to whine about that. But it was amazing to see everything else they could place a complaint; they had truly widened my horizons in the whole drama queen area. Of course, Irene did nothing to help, on the contrary sometimes when I rewound my footage I wondered if she deliberately instigated their behaviour.

But, alas, I was just the camera-man and even if I wanted to slap some sense into these people my job was to sit back and enjoy the heck of a show they were pulling off with a silent chuckle.

I checked my schedule again and saw it was time to interview everybody to see what their opinion was of the swap.

"Um… Alice?" I asked, knowing fully well she could hear me somehow. She quickly appeared next to me with her bright wide smile that reminded me of the middle of summer.

"Yes, Bob? Is it time for the interview?" She asked knowingly. Not bothering to even begin to comprehend how she knew I motioned for her to sit on the wide leather couch.

"Well up until know I've noticed Irene has poor parenting skills, that's if she has any." She said with a smile that really didn't match her words. "I really pity her children; she probably has them tied up in a harness doing chores day and night. Seriously, I mean the middle age has long gone, ask Carlisle! And do not even get me started on the Louis Vuitton's… that alone gives me all the right to hate her for the rest of her life." She said with a nod at the end and an endearing pout that played on her porcelain features and it was impossible not to agree with her. I was sure that if she wore that same expression to the President her face alone would be enough to convince him to pass a law that made her the official fashion consultant of the White House and any other governmental branches.

"Thanks." I said as she hopped off gracefully, joy basically exploding out of her. "I'll get Rose for you."

I nodded and she trotted off happily to some other part of the house. Her sister the indescribable Rose walked in some skinny jeans that seriously should be banned on her, and that wasn't even counting the red cleavage that left little if nothing to the imagination. The first time I saw her, the only thing I wanted to do was smack myself on the head and stare at her for the rest of the day. Her long wavy blonde hair now gently rested on her shoulders and her usual no-nonsense expression was replaced with a calm if not bored grimace.

She sat down in front of the camera staring at her nails in deep thought.

"I give my opinion on what I think about Irene until now, right?" She stated more than inquired. I nodded fully conscious her question was rhetorical.

I pressed play and eagerly awaited her words.

"She's a prude bitch from the middle ages, just ask Carlisle, she acts like she was educated with the values you'd be raised with if the Holy Inquisition where your next door neighbours." She sated matter-of-factly as if she where simply just saying an obviously boring thing. She got up and walked away, while I looked down on my list to see who was next.

"Jasper?" I called just as he appeared in front of me, his hands were behind his back and it seriously looked like he was doing a wild attempt to refrain himself from bowing and saying: "Yes, sir?"

"Could you please take a seat and tell me your opinion on the swap until this moment." I said surprised at the formality in my voice. There was something about this guy that just made me want to act like a soldier around him.

He nodded and quickly sat down.

"With all due respect to Ms. Johnson I believe her teaching methods resemble those to the Middle Ages, I'm sure Carlisle once had a conversation about this with me a long time ago. I'm not looking forward for rule change, I can see she's strict but I'll make sure it isn't anything I can't handle. There's still a rule to find I can't follow and Esme can second that." He commented with the ghost of a smile tugging at the end of his lips. A flash of emotions played in his golden eyes at the idea of a new challenge and his voice had changed into deep respect at the mention of his parents.

He elegantly stood up giving me small bow before walking away without another spoken word.

Who was next? Who was next? Ah… Emmett.

"Is it my turn yet? Is it my turn yet?" A booming voice asked coming from the kitchen. The gigantic boy came running from the kitchen, excitement dripping out of every pore of his face.

"Yo dog!" He yelled in delight. "Do I get to trash talk Irene yet?"

"Yes, it is your turn in fact." I stated calmly, wondering at the same time how he hadn't broken anything in his voyage from the kitchen to the living room. I flicked play on and his worriless grin grew wider with each passing second.

"Well that is one tough cookie! Somebody should check her birth certificate, maybe there's been a mistake and she's been walking on earth since the middle ages and not like… this century! Carlisle can explain with more detail, he knows so much about all that whacked up stuff even I wonder if he lived through it as well." He announced waving his hands in the air as to give more effect. "But hell… as long as she doesn't mess with my baby sister's shoes again all is well, because next time Bella won't be able to coax me out of anything!"

He got up patted me on the back a bit too strongly. Great… I knew tomorrow my shoulder blade would be black and purple.

At least four where done and there where only two to go. Carlisle and Irene got proper interviews tomorrow.

"Bella?"

"Yes." The brunette answered swiftly sitting down. I nodded waiting her to start. "Well, whilst she is defiantly not from the middle ages like all my brothers have said, her irrational behaviour towards those boots defiantly didn't help on the whole dark period theory, so much that I myself hold some doubt. Carlisle will probably laugh his head off when he listens to our time travelling theories." She said with a small laugh at the end.

"I wouldn't be so sure," Edward said from behind me and I nearly jumped out of my skin. "Sorry, Bob, I didn't mean to startle you." I nodded, trying to get my heartbeat back to normal. "I suppose it's my turn."

Bella stood up automatically just as Edward sat down. He waved his hair out of the way and I wondered why he hadn't tried out for a L'Oreal commercial yet. He frowned at me as if he'd just heard my thought. I shrugged it off and carried on filming.

"I completely agree with everything that Bella just said."

Kudos on originality…

**I bet you didn't expect that POV coming, did yah? XD Sorry… too much coffee. If you've made it this far into the story I think it's only fair if you review, don't you think? Lol… blame it on the caffeine. **


	13. Satan Gave Me a Taco

**I cannot thank you enough for your reviews, favourites and alerts so I'm not going to even try XD I know Bella and Edward are probably really OOC but I don't really like them and ignore them when I read Twilight (which is most of the time XD)**

Satan Gave Me a Taco… And It Made Me Sick

_Irene POV_

Meat, meat, meat, meat, meat, meat, meat, meat, meat, meat, meat, meat, meat, meat, meat.

I was _sick_ and tired with the rabbit food. What was it with these people that made them feel morally obligated to not eat meat? I needed my protein source… with some barbecue source next to it. I trudged to the kitchen glad the children where 'asleep' though they were probably engaging in some violent activity like those war games Jasper can't seem to get enough of, maybe that explained his abnormal and anti-social behaviour. But back to the meat…

"I just can't believe they can live like this. Five days here and my body is already craving beef-jerky." I told Bob as I opened the vast fridge which was filled with yogurt and vegetables. I pulled out a carrot and without bothering to peel the skin off took a saddened bite. "I've lost about two pounds since I got here," I said grudgingly even though I was well aware that was probably a good thing.

Slowly, grabbing another carrot for the way I walked back to the living room. Not ever being one to be fond of the TV I was getting used to it far too much but after a day of doing all the chores and cleaning the enormous castle all I wanted to do was sit down and turn my brain off. A day with six hormonal teenagers would drain the energy out of a saint; I wonder how Esme managed all the time, especially with Carlisle running to the hospital at any giving chance like if he had a debt to repay humanity. He could make anyone feel like a bad person on a good day, he was just so… perfect, so good I would've bet my soul that the man had never done anything ethically wrong in his life and would never in a thousand years.

As for his kids, well they were a totally different topic all together. They were completely brain-washed with capitalism it was even sad, especially Rosalie and Alice. It was as if they lived to be model thin I mean _seriously_, not once in five days had I ever seen them eat a single piece of food! Not even the _rabbit_ food! I would have to talk to Carlisle; maybe they had anorexia or something… that defiantly explained Alice's extreme thinness, where she got the energy to be so hyperactive was a mystery for me… maybe she was doing drugs as well, Prozac defiantly explained her perkiness despite not having ingested a single calorie in what could be years. As for Rose's attitude, teenage angst didn't begin to cover it. It was as if her life's objective was to be a world ranked bitch, and by God was she accomplishing it, not once in my whole stay had she smiled at me. Not once, well, unless you count that devilish smile that immediately told you you were screwed on so many levels you might as well save yourself the misery and put a silver bullet in your head.

"Latest reports say that the Seattle area that has been suffering of a power cut for the last three days, will finally have electricity restored, meaning that by tomorrow all pupils will be able to return to school…" I man that looked vaguely familiar ranted on the 24 hour news.

Finally! I completed my sentence at the purgatory! I would have seven and a half hours of peace in my life and maybe I'd be able to sneak out to the supermarket and get a good old steak.

With a content smile I went to my room picturing tomorrow's meal.

_Alice POV_

"Do I _have _to go to school?" Rosalie whined as I rearranged my closet for the twentieth consecutive time.

"I hadn't realized you'd grown so fond of Irene, Rosie." Jasper taunted, finally allowing his southern accent play with his words.

"Oh shut-up," Rose snapped back.

"I never realized you had a mood to be taunted, I'll make sure to look out." Edward muttered as he pressed against Bella in their room.

_Rosalie imagines Emmett in all his naked glory running after her in the lake house._

"God, Rosalie!" He yelled punching the wall and most probably creating a large hole he would have to cover up before morning came. Rosalie snickered, and I couldn't help but roll my eyes – Edward had a very short temper whenever Bella was on top of him which was usually all the time.

"She's not on top of me all the time!" He yelled back.

"Yeah… and the last few years what? Do we just forget them?" Rose snarled.

"Oh both of you shut-up, we've been having this argument for eight years and twenty three days, seriously! Find something new to bitch about!" I complained tossing the Armani power suit to the rubbish pile. Jasper chuckled quietly as he flipped a page on his book.

"She's right you know, anything's more interesting than fighting about Bella, right Bella?" Emmett asked as his computer game announced him as the winner of yet another battleground on Warcraft.

"Yeah seriously, Rose, half the time you're making out with Emmett so you're not in a position to judge, and Edward… you've lived with her for well over a century and after all this time you still haven't got used to her teasing, I mean even _I _have." Bella scolded and slammed the door to her closet.

_The words come spilling out of the blonds' mouth before she can even consider the consequences they might bring. And for the first time, that stunning blonde with the iron will regrets those stinging words she has spoken so many times throughout the ages._

"_I'm sorry," she vaguely mutters, the phrase tasting bitter in her mouth._

_The brunette cocks her head to one side looking like she'll break down any minute now, so the blonde feeling just as bad as her sister does the unthinkable: she runs to her holding her tight and sobs in her arms._

"_I'm so sorry!" She squeals in pain. "I'm so sorry!" _

Jasper looked up at me curiously but I simply shook my head.

"So now what? We've got like six hours and thirty two minutes until we have to go to school. Irene's in bed, Carlisle's in the hospital with everyone too stupid, too scarred or too hurt from the storm and from the looks of it he's going to be there for quite a while, so… now what?" He asked.

"Well you can help me kill noobs on WoW, or you can write 'War and Peace' two hundred and fifty seven times with a quill and that'll be your six and a half hours. Or you can have sex in every room of the house, or have you tried the cars yet?" Emmett offered innocently.

"Want to come hunting with me?" Bella asked in a seductive voice that almost made _me_ burst out laughing.

"Seriously Bella, you have got to watch some more porn if you think _that_ voice is seductive." Rose spluttered in between laughs.

"Takes one to know one." She answered back. Immediately Emmett, Jasper and me started shouting "Cat fight! CAT FIGHT! CAT FIGHT!" as we ran to the stairs to get front row view to the show-down we'd being patiently waiting for the last few years.

"Likewise." Rosalie responded coolly stepping out of the room and into the corridor where Bella waited for her with her hands on hips. Rosie's face hardened and her pupils turned blacker than the darkest nights and her icy stare was colder than a frozen heart.

"We should settle this for once and for all." Bella said her voice devoid of any emotion.

"I agree."

The 'Cat Fight' chants died out and we stared from Rosalie to Bella like a tennis match, patiently waiting to see who'd miss the ball.

"What is your problem with me?" She asked exasperated.

"Well apart from the fact you can't spell common designer labels 50% of the time, or can pick an outfit without Alice's help you're such an annoying spoilt brat who divides her time having sex or whining!"

Edward growled but Jasper put a hand on him and calmed him immediately. "They've got to get this out of their system so we can live the next millennia in peace."

"Are you sure that's me you're talking about or is it a description of yourself?"

"Burn…" I mumbled.

"Don't worry, I think I'm sure I'm not so insecure about myself I pawn over my boyfriend all day and night and need him to reassure me my family loves me, although if I were you I would be worried." The words came spilling out of Rosalie's mouth before she could even consider the consequences they might bring. And for the first time, my stunning sister with the iron will visibly showed sings of regret to those stinging words she'd spoken so many times throughout the ages.

"I'm sorry," she vaguely muttered, and I knew the phrase tasted bitter in her mouth.

Bella cocked her head to one side looking like she'd break down any minute now.

We all stared at Rose; the ball was now on her court.

"I'm so sorry!" She squealed in pain. "I'm so, _so_ sorry!" And they both ran to each others arms, crying like the pair of whiners they both where.

Emmett raised an eyebrow, "Does this mean we can take the Jeep to school?"

**I know it's very short, but I'm lacking inspiration and time and I also wanted to give Bella and Rose some peace. **

**Okay, I've got a philosophical question for y'all: A poor man goes to Vegas and wins a billion dollars, hours later he grabs a gun he stole and shoots himself. Why did he commit suicide?**


	14. Hi, My Name Is

**Hi all, so yeah I'm not dead and I haven't ditched the story yet, jaja. Joking, I'm really grateful for everybody's who's reviewed and alerted, seriously, you people make my day! **

**Cyber biscuit winners: ****FelicityT****, the money was fake… such a good answer! (I seriously think someone else won one but my faulty memory, due to fact I smacked my pretty little head on the concrete this morning, joking, I think I forgot, if you won a cyber biscuit and I forgot, plz tell me… I feel really bad).**

**Oh and… the philosophical question, well it had no real answer, it was just a creativity exercise I got in a class, lol, and I was intrigued to find out what other people thought.**

**Now… ON WITH THE DRAMA!**

Hi, My Name Is… Who?

_Carlisle POV_

"Hi my name is…"

"What?"

"My name is…"

"Who?"

"My name is," Emmett made a scratching noise with an old Cd. "Slim Shady."

Alice played with the DJ board she'd recently bought while Emmett continued singing. They were both dressed like rappers, their Ed Hardy and Juicy Couture outfits complemented the Nike baseballs hats they wore. The theme was Eminem, though I still hadn't figured why they where rapping in the first place.

"Hi kids, do you like violence?" Emmett sang.

"Ya, ya, ya!" Alice replied.

"Want to see me stick nine inch nails threw each one of my eye lids?"

"Uh huh!"

I finally turned to look at Irene and I immediately understood the reason for the new fetish. Her face was contorted to an expression I couldn't make out as anything but offended and disgusted. I sighed, while the singing was perfect, the performance worthy of and Mtv award, the offending reason wasn't something they could get away with.

I debated both sides of the argument in my mind as I stared at Irene who's face continued to change colours (from green to red and back again). Her new black denim's from Gap finally did justice to her figure, and the red Channel blouse took ten years off her. Alice and Rose had done a magnificent job on her and I think on some level she finally understood their passion for clothes. This on the other hand… I wasn't so sure.

"Come here slut,  
Shady wait a minute that's my girl, dog  
I don't give a fuck  
God sent me to piss the world off."

Why couldn't they sing the clean version? I was sure iTunes sold that version of the song, because God were they pissing people off.

"All my life I was very deprived,  
I ain't had a woman in years, and my palms are too hairy to hide,"

"_Whoops_!" Alice said she was apparently the one in charge of sound effects.

"Clothes ripped like the Incredible Hulk."

"_Hachhh-too_"

"I spit when I talk, I'll fuck anything that walks."

"_C'mere_."

Rose sat on the base of the stairs and smirked in an all too knowing way. I sighed again, Irene hadn't missed the exchange, for all I knew she probably had child service protection on speed dial by now, or by the look on her face the Pope was a more likely guess.

"Hi my name is…"

"What?"

"My name is…"

"Who?"

"My name is," Emmett made the scratching noise again before finally ending the song. "Slim Shady."

Everybody started clapping, well, everybody but Irene and me.

"Too stunned to even talk, huh, Pops." Emmett teased with his patented goofy grin; I was too preoccupied with Irene's reaction to even be annoyed by the nickname.

"I'll go with that, I suppose." I finally answered, Jasper's expression was amused and Edward held his usual smirk.

Irene stood up as if her body finally caught up with her brain and walked out of the room muttering under her breath. All six teenagers finally burst out laughing, which I supposed was their ultimate purpose.

"Okay, that was so worth $5634.98 in props." Alice spluttered. "Anyone want to sing another one? I can turn these speakers high enough that people in the next state can hear us."

"Guys, really, could you all be a tad bit more sensible?" I asked them looking around. They stopped laughing for a few moments as if they were actually considering it.

"Hey, how do you want me to edit the song?" Bob asked not bothering to look away from his computer. Everybody turned to look at him, their eyes wide with excitement. Great… sensibility was out of the window.

"What program are you using?"

"Do you need to re-shoot it so we can get a better light?"

"I've got a program on my Mac that can alter that faster…"

Well at least this would entertain them for a while. Edward turned to look at me with a mischievous smile. "Why don't we do this more often?"

Alice started clapping enthusiastically. "Why don't we do the whole _Recovery_ album?"

"Because that would be infringing copy write?" I suggested already knowing it was a lost cause – Alice was back on the board and Rose was reading the lyrics.

"I want to be Rihanna!" She yelled.

"That means you're P!nk, Bella." Alice said.

"Hey, that's so unfair; you so sound more like her."

"But I'm Dr. Dre, Bells." She said slowly, her eyes were wide as she nodded slowly. I suddenly and quickly pulled my blackberry out and took a photo of her. "Give me that phone!" She yelled.

"Nope, Esme has got to see you in a Nike hat that says "Just Do It" in bright purple." I teased just as she pouted.

"A) It's not purple, it's LA-VAN-DER. B) This is so unfair! Why can't you people plan these attacks?" Alice yelled in frustration.

"Because that would defeat the purpose, wouldn't it?" I replied calmly. Everybody in the room, including Bob, wore the same amused expression.

"Fine, but I will have my revenge." She warned but immediately dropped her stance when I raised my eyebrow. "They're going to page you in approximately forty three seconds." She muttered and continued playing with the board wearing the same adorable pout. I went for my jacket and noticed it was replaced by an awkward jumper.

"Alice, where's my coat?" I asked patiently, this was one of those discussions that even after a hundred years we couldn't settle.

"Oh, in some charity." She replied as she quickly swapped cds.

"Should I even bother asking why?" I asked but the only reply I got was a fit of giggles.

"Oh Daddy, don't you realize the winter season has just started and that jacket would no longer do? So instead I got you this chunky, luxurious and totally irresistible knitwear that by the way is called a Frank cardigan. You should really check the Tommy Hilfiger site a bit more often, Daddy."

"Whatever makes you happy." I muttered just as the familiar sound of my pager went off. I put my _'Chunky, luxurious and totally irresistible knitwear'_ just as they started singing _Guilty Conscience. _"Why can't you just get along with Irene and sing stuff from _Glee_ instead?"

"Where's the fun in that?" Emmett asked. "And however awesome that show is, nothing about it could piss her off. Now hit it, sis! _Meet Eddie, twenty-three years old. Fed up with life and the way things are going."_

I rolled my eyes, once again acknowledging it was a lost cause. Well at least it was Friday, only ten days to go…

**So yeah, short update, the Hillywood parody really gave me the boost to remind me how awesome Twilight is (I was kinda forgetting, yikes!) Am I the only won who has momentary lapses of Alzheimer's?**

**R&R!**


	15. Hi, My Name Is II

**Hi people. You're probably very, very angry. I understand that, but I shall let the magnificent words of Mr. Stephen Fry apologize for me (with a few modifications to fit the situation): Oh my Lord what an insensibly long time it's being since last I stood in front of this computer and addressed you all, so I suppose the first thing I should do is get all the apologies and greasy complements as my regular tuners know I usually do – start with an apology for the gross length of time it's taken me to come up with a new update, and then, if you remember, I thank you profusely for your input, your insight, your um… as James Joyce would put it, your "in-wit", your argon bite of in-wit. And eventually, after all that huffing and puffing and prostrating I get going. So perhaps you can take it as read this time, I really am, genuinely sorry for the wait I've just been so damnably busy, and I really am grateful for your comments and corrections they've been magnificent.**

**That man's wonderful, isn't he? But anyway, the thing is I've finally got all my shit sorted out. It took a while but everything's on its way to better again that's why I haven't been able to do much. So much drama can get you down sometimes. But now I have the time, patience and eagerness to get all my stories up and running again! For this however, I will need a bit of help from your side. **

**I need a beta for this story, somebody willing to nag me to write (because from now on I promise a weekly update) and I'll need somebody help me keep that deadline. Also, that person will be checking all my chapters to help me correct typos and all those nasty little buggers. And I'm back in England so just to keep the time-zone in mind. But anyway! I really need someone's help on this story and I really hope someone's up to the challenge **

**Anyway… happy reading people.**

My Name Is (Part Two)

_Carlisle POV_

_It's all going to work out_. I thought smiling as I sped through the damp highway the same way I'd done one thousand four hundred and sixty two times before. _Really Carlisle? It's pathetic you still keep the count. _I chuckled silencing the internal monologue that was going through my brain and leaned back on the leather chair, appreciating all the while the changes Rose had made with the motor. _Today I'm going to wrap up early and I'm going to go home and see if we can play some Red Ops… or wait… is it black? No… defiantly red._

I laughed quietly as I remembered Alice in her "Just Do It" cap and wondered if she'd really take action against me. Probably not.

I played with the Pythagoras formula in my head, deciphering the simple justification and then let my mind strand in the mysteries of the square root of '2' just as I made my way through the car park.

I carried the tray of Starbucks coffee I'd brought with me inside the building. I knew my colleagues wouldn't be at their best after the hectic night and unlike me they needed sleep… or caffeine.

"Dr. Robins, good morning." I said brightly handing him his caramel frappuccino.

"Dr. Cullen, trying to get on my good-side so early?" He asked jokingly despite the dark circles under his eyes that almost resembled mine. "Thanks Carlisle, I really needed the pick-me-up."

"Not a problem, John, anytime." I said smiling warmly as he picked a new chart with his free hand and headed back into the ER. "Ah, Mandy, I brought you your white chocolate moka."

"Thank you Dr. Cullen." She said gratefully exchanging a chart for the coffee. "I've just changed Dan's bandages, and there's a broken arm that needs resetting over there."

I nodded as she continued filling me in with the happenings of the storms aftermath. When she finished I quickly started doing the small chores I had to finish here and there – stitching gashes, resetting bones and inspecting toddlers from over-concerned mothers.

As the day passed the ER regained the calm flow of a small town hospital. I walked into Dan's bedroom and smiled when I noticed he had his school books out.

"I never pegged you as a homework guy." I said lightly as I started filling his chart.

"Neither did I doc," He said nervously. "But I dunno… something just got into me that I have to do better now." I smiled, watching kids grow up was always something that made my heart glow.

"That's excellent, Dan. What are you studying?"

"Animation. I want to work at Pixar." He said smiling widely in that childish manner.

"Animation? Pixar?" I said more to myself than him as I leaned to inspect his ribcage. "I might be able to help you with that, Dan. You know Ed Catmull?"

"Of course, he's like only one of the co-founders of Pixar and it's president!"

"Well, I know him quite a bit. He used to be a patient of mine a while ago and if you like I can put a word for you for one of their internships."

"Doc that would be EPIC!" He said, the joy basically radiating off him. I chuckled, with this he had all but forgotten about his girlfriend and the pain in his ribcage.

"But you have to promise me you keep studying that way. I don't want Ed thinking I throw any old stuff at him."

"Of course not, Doc! I'll get perfect grades and everything starting this semester!" He said nearly bouncing off the bed.

"Ok then, I'll talk to him when I get home."

I nodded, a small smile tugging at my lips at his enthusiasm. Ed had indeed been my patient, the first time I met him was in 1961 and we'd kept in touch ever since. I'd learned from the decades that with this ever evolving technology it was easier to live if you had some of the most powerful men on your side. Alice would predict who'd become the next big person, and I'd help them by introducing them to the right people, that way not only was I assured that the people on top were actually good but those handful of humans always made relocating, and changing birth dates so much easier. Dan here wasn't really going to become a man of great power but he was a good boy and deserved all the help he could get, especially if those friends of his kept sending him to my hospital at the rate his records showed.

"Well, Dan looks like you clearing up perfectly. No complications. This time tomorrow you'll be able to go home." I said taking off my latex gloves.

"Doc," He started slowly. "Thanks."

I nodded, "No problem, kiddo. That's what I'm here for."

**Rosalie POV**

The last notes of '_Still Don't Give a Fuck' _played out and we all turned to look at Irene. Her expression was horrified, but still nothing compared to when we played '_Go to Sleep Bitch'_ or '_My Dad's Gone Crazy'._

"Ok, you've got to hand it to them – Eminem's epic." Bella said thoughtfully.

"What?" Irene asked in disbelief. "Rap stands for 'Retards Attempting Poetry'."

What the hell? Is this bitch retarded? What part of "y'all can KISS MY ASS" did she not understand? I huffed, this woman really got on my nerve, but then I felt a calm wave splash over me and suddenly I felt tolerant enough to embrace every single type of taste or like any sort of person could ever possibly conceive.

"You know what guys. Maybe Eminem isn't so bad." Irene said with a warm smile. I could see Bob nodding behind the camera. Great, Irene was on the Chill Pill now. "Even that Bonnie & Clyde song wasn't so bad." She said in that voice teachers use when they're trying to connect with youth but fail on so many levels it's actually offensive.

"I'm so glad we've recorded that on tape." I muttered, smiling despite myself.

"And I'm so glad we recorded _that_ smile on camera as well." Emmett said with an adoring grin.

"Guy's I think I'm starting to understand the whole 'Eminem' thing." Irene said interrupting Emmett/Rose eye sex time.

"_Really_?" Edward whispered in a disgusted tone.

"I know, right? Eminem's the king!" Alice said with the bright smile we all knew so well, ignoring all the while our small discussion. "You know what, Irene. Why don't you give Eminem a go as well? It's therapeutic."

"No, I don't know. Singing isn't my forte." Irene said blushing – all the blood in her body rushed to her face and her pulse quickened, I could feel the rhythm of her pulse three meters away press against my skin, my eyes would've been able to see from a mile away the way the vein that ran through her neck contracted and expanded. The instant Irene blushed I could marvel at the perfection of the human vascular system. Nothing could ever achieve the level of perfection that freaking system achieved on a daily basis. Nothing was more ridiculously beautiful than the melody blood composed as it pulsed to and from a human body. Nothing.

"Pleeeease!" Alice begged/screamed, completely shattering me out of my trance. I quickly looked over to my sister, she was throwing at Irene the full force of her 'Bambi-Just-Got-Shot' eyes. I swore if that girl was just a bit more malicious Lord Voldemort would have no chance against her. Everybody who'd ever attempted World Domination would be put to shame – Alice could just take a photo of that expression and title it "VOTE FOR ALICE" and the world would be hers for play.

"Okay, okay… I'll sing a song with you guys." Irene said blushing once again! If she kept at this rate we'd be having a born-again Christian for dinner.

"Pull yourself together, Rose." Edward hissed at me from the leather chair his was sitting in.

"I'm trying to, goody-two shoes." I whispered back.

"But I don't know any of the songs." Irene said completely unaware she was in the single most dangerous room in the world.

"Oh Irene, don't worry! That's why they put lyrics in the booklets!" Alice said in the voice you use with stubborn four year olds.

"Okay then, which one do you want me to sing?" She asked. Wow… Irene was going to rap… Eminem.

"Make sure you get all of this." I told Bob quietly. He nodded, trying hard to conceal the grin that was threatening to explode on his round face.

"Roman's Revenge." Alice said definitvly.

"Alice, that's not Eminem. That's Nicki Minaj." Eminem said already looking for the record.

"But silly, he's featured on it so it counts."

"_Raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon/I'm starting to feel like a dungeon dragon/Look at my show footage, how these girls be spazzin'/So fuck I look like gettin' back to has-been."_ Irene rapped. Fuck my life… hell just froze over. If Jasper kept the mood up, this was going to be… interesting.

**So guys, I'm just warming up again. Any comments would be of great help. And like I said up above, I'd be really grateful if anyone could help me with the beta-ing of this story. Oh, and I promise no more Eminem in next chapter, jejeje.**

**D.F.T.B.A!**


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